Capsule Reviews of Trump-Approved American-Made Films – Weekly Humorist

In support of his 100% tariff on foreign-made films, President Donald J. Trump has already put numerous all-American films into production. Here are capsule reviews of just a few of Mr. Trump’s projects.

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Inmates at Trump’s Florida wilderness camp compete for special treatment such as regular meals and constitutional rights. Semi-finalists vie for early release while praising Trump on a range of topics, from his brilliant tariff policies to his remarkably natural tan line. Five stars, seemingly endless supply of contestants.

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Trump leads a column of border patrol agents to gently invade Canada, saving it from the very weak and small-penised Mark Carney. Canadians rejoice, and a star is added to the American flag. Four stars, could be longer.

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Rigged!

While preparing his acceptance speech for the clearly blowout 2020 Presidential victory, Donald Trump is kidnapped and forced to watch Michelle Obama interviews with loser late-night hosts. Fearless ICE agents come to the rescue, and Trump is rightfully installed at the White House just in time to cure Covid. Five stars, a real winner, like Trump.

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I Am Your New Pope: A Riches to Vestments Story

We follow Trump from his days as a highly successful real-estate genius and President to his sudden transformation as Pope Donaldo I, leader of the world’s Catholic faithful. The scene of Trump blowing his own white smoke is downright inspirational. Five stars, Donaldo Omnis Gloria.

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Members Only

President Trump convenes a summit of his favorite all-powerful leaders to compare penis sizes. It’s hardly a spoiler to report that Trump wins by a lot of inches. Five stars, X-rated fun for the whole family.

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Hot Wives

A fun retrospective of Trump’s highly successful and sexually fulfilling marriages to only the hottest women. The scene where Trump pulls clumps of hair out of Ivana’s head does not exist because it never happened. Five stars, nostalgia bomb.

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Fake News!

Trump storms the offices of various fake-news outlets and sets everyone straight. Editors quake in fear or run screaming into the street. Newspapers finally see the error of their ways, and vow to accurately report Trump’s countless accomplishments. Four stars, fantasyland but satisfying.

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Two Dolls, Five Pencils, and a Flying Palace

Tense drama unfolds on a luxury Presidential flight from Qatar. Trump daughters Ivanka and Tiffany cat-fight over five diamond-encrusted mechanical pencils by Louis Vuitton. Non-stop action (watch for uncredited Melania cameo as the First Lady briefly takes possession of fifth pencil). Five stars, one sexy megahit.