Diplomatic Talks Break Down Between Trump, Motion-Activated Ghost Decoration

WASHINGTON—In what they described as a disappointing turn in the ongoing negotiations, White House officials confirmed Wednesday that diplomatic talks had broken down between President Donald Trump and a motion-activated ghost decoration. “The president has done everything he can to find common ground with our historic ally, but the animatronic apparition refuses to cooperate,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt, adding that Trump immediately raised concerns when the plastic specter showed up to the White House dressed “very disrespectfully” in filthy, tattered rags and cobwebs. “Instead of engaging in a civil conversation, the ghost just kept howling over everything the president said, repeating the phrases ‘Whooo goes there?’ and ‘Leave this place if you want to live!’ The president approached the creepy skull-faced wraith several times with generous, multibillion-dollar offers but was met with nothing more than a frantic waving of bony arms. We do not take these insults lightly, and America will not back down.” Diplomatic observers warned the breakdown in relations could threaten U.S. interests, allowing the giant hairy spider with red LED eyes to swoop in and increase its soft power across the globe.