Thanks for coming in. Have a seat.
I realize there’s a lot going on right now between work and the seven-headed dragon that is here to brutally murder us, but I really need you to focus. As you know, this is a critical time for our company, and every individual needs to be accountable. Your lack of punctuality with your expense reports is very telling of where your priorities lie. Obviously, you aren’t as concerned with work as I’d like you to be.
I understand death is imminent, but as long as you’re working here, you’re expected to act professionally. And that means getting your projects done in a timely manner so we can continue operating for as long as we can stay solvent. Or alive. Honestly, I can’t tell what will come first, bankruptcy or death. Obviously, if it’s bankruptcy, then we’ll all be fired (as in we’ll all lose our jobs). That means no more benefits like health insurance. Which your family may very well need if this noxious gas emanating from the earth’s crust is anything to worry about.
On the other hand, if the demonic beasts find us before the company goes belly up, then we’ll all be fired (as in literally incinerated). Which is really the best-case scenario here. Living without the means to afford food or shelter right now would be a real bugaboo, and finding a new gig in this economy is a whole different kind of headache.
So, until we go bankrupt or are fully devoured by one of the three beasts, things are going to be business as usual here. That means doing the job of two and a half employees without complaining, joining every meeting with a positive attitude that hides all existential dread, and scouring your home office to find six-month-old receipts that you must manually type into a spreadsheet. AI can do many things now, but for some reason, menial tasks are not one of them. Expense reports fall under the “menial tasks it cannot do” category. So do timesheets, which, speaking of, you are quite tardy on as well.
If I’m being honest, I’ve seen a serious dip in your overall performance ever since the beast of the sea emerged. It’s been concerning to all of us. Not the sea beast; the lack of motivation you’re exhibiting. You seem to be distracted, perhaps by the threat of eternal torment. I recommend completely ignoring that during your 8 a.m. to 11 p.m., or whatever your “9 to 5” is. (I’d know, but again, someone’s timesheets are delinquent.) Don’t get bogged down by the real-life, soul-sucking, biblical kaiju. Focus on what you can do… your expense reports. You will have plenty of time to worry about being mutilated when you get off work. Just compartmentalize and only give thought to your inevitable suffering during the thirty minutes of free time you have at night. Like right after you boil dinner or when you finish assuring your kids that there are no monsters under the bed, yet. Then you can ingest the day’s new horrors and lose sleep from crippling anxiety all you want. But while you’re on company time, I’m going to need you to seriously step it up.
If you are incapable of separating your work life from the all-too-real danger of losing your life, you can always take a mental health day. We’ll just deduct that from your allotted vacation days for the year. You should also keep in mind that if you take time off, your work will not go away, but will instead be passed on to your coworkers, who will just have to work longer on your behalf and likely build up horrible resentment toward you. After all, they’re in the exact same situation you are. They just numb themselves to the outside world like true professionals. Also, need I remind you that allies are at a premium during the time of the three beasts? I highly recommend against turning your peers into enemies. Especially those who can run faster than you.
Now, assuming that you’ve decided not to take a mental health day, I’m going to need you to go ahead and do those expense reports today, especially since there may not be a tomorrow. And don’t think of sneakily expensing anything like wound-care or supplies for your safety bunker. The company card is strictly to be used for business purposes, like lavish client dinners or team-building happy hours.
I realize your expenses will add up to an immaterial amount for a company of this size, but our books need to be as accurate as possible. The last thing we need is to be audited while the physical manifestations of Satan are at large. Then we’d really be up a creek.
