Breakups are hard, especially when they charge your credit card monthly. In the golden age of streaming, we’ve all been seduced, ghosted, manipulated, and disappointed by platforms that once promised to “suggest things you’ll love.” Instead, they suggest things starring Kevin James.
Here’s a look at the major streaming services, reimagined as the emotionally confusing exes they truly are.
Netflix – The high school sweetheart who peaked early.
At first, it was magic – cheap, fun, and always down to chill. But somewhere between Stranger Things season 3 and that $24.99 price tag, things got weird. Now they gaslight you with “Because You Watched Emily in Paris” and keep cancelling shows like they’re afraid of commitment. They’ll always have your password, but never your heart.
Hulu – The flaky creative type who swears they’re working on something big.
They’re cool when they show up – occasionally brilliant even – but half the time they disappear behind ads and emotional unavailability. They’ll start a drama, then never finish it. They swear you’re “bundled” now, but you still feel completely alone.
Peacock – The needy rebound who swears they’re “actually really funny.”
They lead with The Office and pure desperation. You keep getting texts like, “You up? We just added Season 4 of Law & Order: Special Midlife Crisis Unit.” Every time you ghost them, they offer something free. You’re not even sure how they got your number.
Max (HBO Max, if you’re nostalgic) – The rebranded ex who got therapy and came out worse.
They used to be classy. Now they go by “Max” and won’t stop pitching you weird reboots like Pretty Little Liars: Outer Darkness. They think the new name gives them a fresh start, but you still remember when they made The Sopranos and didn’t feel the need to add Discovery Channel’s beekeeping documentaries.
Amazon Prime Video – The rich, chaotic ex who never learned how to communicate.
You stay for the perks, not the personality. Their app looks like it was designed during a panic attack. You try to watch The Boys and end up accidentally buying Shrek 3 in Portuguese. Half their content is paywalled, the other half looks like it was filmed in a parking lot – but hey, at least your cat litter ships free.
Paramount+ – The dad-ex who thinks you still care about Frasier.
They’re aggressively nostalgic and constantly pitching you things your uncle might enjoy. You give them a shot, and suddenly you’re watching a gritty Blue’s Clues reboot and wondering how you got here. Their whole identity is “Remember this?” And honestly? You barely do.
Disney+ – The controlling ex who won’t let you touch anything without parental approval.
Sure, it’s comforting. Familiar. Safe. But there’s something unsettling about being emotionally manipulated by a mouse in gloves. Everything’s squeaky clean, but you can feel the corporate overlords judging you for trying to watch Deadpool. You can look – but you can’t touch the vault.
Apple TV+ – The emotionally distant tech bro with a trust fund.
They only show up twice a year, looking perfect and well-lit, holding a limited series starring someone Oscar-adjacent. You pretend to like them because they’re sophisticated, but the truth is, there’s nothing behind the eyes – or the user interface. They gave you Severance, then vanished for six months to work on their startup called “Feelings.”
Tubi – The mysterious drifter who lets you crash for free but might be haunted.
No login, no judgment, no shame. Just vibes and public domain action films from the ‘90s. They don’t care what you’re watching – or what you’re doing with your life. They’re the definition of “it’s not serious,” and honestly? You kind of respect that.
Love may be dead, but streaming isn’t. These platforms will keep luring us back with new promises and slightly different versions of CSI. But just remember: no matter how good it seems at first… they will eventually recommend a reality show about cake sculpting. And that’s when you know it’s time to walk off.
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