Family Views Getting Sunburned As Moral Failing

DESTIN, FL—In an expression of disgust and contempt for the scarlet, peeling crowd of beachgoers streaming past them, the vacationing Hoekstra family reportedly affirmed their viewpoint Monday that getting sunburned was a moral failing. “Some people just have no forethought, no discipline,” said Ellen Hoekstra, the family’s 48-year-old matriarch, who watched from her seat on a shaded lounge chair and frowned at the red-shouldered masses, shaking her head reproachfully at one particularly burned young couple. “I mean, look at that big splotch on her chest. What were they thinking? Or not thinking, more like it. I’m just so glad I’m raising you kids right. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah out there.” At press time, the entire family was said to have gasped in horror as the strap on 51-year-old Jeffrey Hoekstra’s Apple Watch slipped, revealing a sliver of bright red skin.