Replace a dead wife.
The impetus for your governess services is due to the presence of a dead adult female partner. This is crucial, given that you will certainly develop a romantic relationship with the children’s father. The presence of a living female partner makes it difficult (though not impossible) to consummate such a relationship. There’s also no stopping this course of action because you are irresistible. You will be serving as a mother figure to the younger generation in the household. However, be prepared for statements such as “You’re not my real mom!” because you are not in fact the children’s real mom. She is dead or locked in the attic.
Reside in Europe and/or have European heritage, preferably British.
You will teach children (and sometimes “uncivilized” adults) manners. Everyone knows Europeans have the best manners. Also, you may be playing an important role in supporting the imperialization of a non-Western country, and Europeans have a proven track record of success in this space. For example, you may sing a song about social graces and getting to know whether you are one another’s cup of tea.
Develop a tortured relationship with the father of the household, who relentlessly flirts with other women in front of you while giving you deep, longing looks.
After a few months, you may consummate this relationship, but be aware that other obstacles will inevitably stand in your path, such as wives locked in your beloved’s attic or Nazis in the form of your new future stepson-in-law.
Be a cisgender, heterosexual woman.
That was already implied but bears restating.
Be a human being.
Humans tend to excel in this role compared with their non-human counterparts, largely because of the presence of opposable thumbs, which are usually considered essential for tasks such as cooking dinner, holding children, and teaching writing. While this is not an absolute requirement, if you are, for example, of the canine persuasion, you may fail to receive payment for your services. You will also be known by a given name that is a variation of your title (e.g., Nana), which, depending on your personality and outlook, could be seen as condescending. Moreover, you will likely have great difficulty preventing your charges from being kidnapped on your watch. Lastly, being anything other than a human precludes you from developing a romantic relationship with the male head of household.
Possess musical talent.
You will understandably feel intimidated, whether the father of your charges is a king (moderately likely) or just a really stern, rich guy (very likely). Singing about your anxiety has been proven critical for convincing yourself you’re not afraid and you have confidence in you. This can also go a long way toward persuading your charges’ father to fall in love with you.
Be much closer in age to your charges than their parent(s).
Your youth makes you vibrant and joyful, casting a much-needed glow across a home that has been steeped in darkness and misery without the happiness that comes from, say, singing a little ditty about the pleasure associated with random household objects such as brown paper packages tied up with string or accompanying medicine with a spoonful of sugar to ease the bitter taste. Even if you are sullen and silent, your dewy, wrinkle-free skin will offer a striking contrast to the weathered look of a stringy-haired mansion inmate suffering from an untreated mental illness. But, back to the singing!
Be Julie Andrews.
Research shows that being Julie Andrews increases your likelihood of securing a post as a classic, fictional governess by 59%.
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Laura Berlinsky-Schine is a freelance writer and editor based in Brooklyn with her demigod/lab-mix rescue, Hercules. She has a tattoo of his name. Her satire/humor has appeared in Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and more.
