Hulk Hogan’s Spasming Cadaver Body Slams Mortician

CLEARWATER, FL—After undergoing a medical emergency and dying last week at the age of 71, Hulk Hogan’s spasming cadaver reportedly lifted a mortician high above its head Monday and body slammed the professional. “At approximately 1:34 p.m., Hulk Hogan’s deceased corpse underwent spontaneous convulsions, at which point the cadaver bolted upright, ripped off its body bag, and started pummeling the mortician,” said Clearwater funeral home director Audrey Pearson, adding that due to the rapid stiffening of the WWE legend’s muscles, Hogan’s body also emitted one final “Brother” before climbing up on top of the embalming table, leaping off, and propelling itself more than 10 feet into the air to deliver a devastating leg drop. “Although Hogan’s brain activity had ceased days ago, his muscles were still able to contract enough to slap a bottle of formaldehyde out of the mortician’s hand, put him in a headlock, and slam his skull several times into the door of a refrigerated cabinet.” According to reports, Hogan’s corpse then involuntarily flexed its biceps, pumped its arms into the air, and let out a guttural scream, its muscles finally stiffening as it fell to the ground with a hand cupped around its ear.