Thanks for reaching out.
Yes, I’m interested in your one-week project, which you’ve described as a “sprint”—a fun euphemism for seven days of sheer panic.
When do you need me?
Darn, I’ll actually be on a cruise with my family that week, but I suppose I could find a quiet corner near the soft-serve machine to crack open my laptop.
What’s my day rate, you ask?
It’s steep—but commensurate with my over fifteen years of experience in a highly specialized field.
You don’t have the budget for that?
I see.
Well, in the interest of working together in the future, I will, as a courtesy, cut my rate in half this one time, knowing we’ll likely never work together again.
But it’s still worth it because, as a freelancer, I get to work remotely.
And by “work remotely,” I mean that I will graze the vast breakfast buffet until lunch and take an obnoxiously long and slightly rocky shower before opening a single work-related email.
What’s that?
You need me to come into the office for this project?
Okay, I suppose I can reschedule the cruise and disappoint my family for a chance to revive my struggling career.
See you tomorrow at 10 a.m., then!
You need me there at 9?
That’s a little aggressive, but I respect your power play.
– – –
Good morning!
Why yes, I am the freelancer.
Did I complete my security awareness training module?
No, I ignored that email since I’m not a full-time employee.
Oh, I see.
Contractors are now required to complete those as well now.
My, how things have changed since I was last gainfully employed!
Very well, but I will half-listen to the videos while updating my Amazon Prime subscriptions, then blindly guess at the answers to the quiz like an amateur magician.
By the way, here’s where you can send my payment.
At least as a freelancer, I can enjoy more of my money now since you won’t be withholding—
Really?
You need me to complete a W-2?
Doesn’t that basically make me your employee?
An employee without any health insurance benefits or PTO?
Well, all I can say is, thank god for my day rate.
Excuse me?
I can only bill actual hours worked based on my already deeply discounted rate?
Got it.
So I’m actually a temp. A temp that’s apparently ineligible for parking validation.
No worries.
I can still hold my head up high because I AM A FREELANCER.
I am my own boss.
I answer to no one but myself!
And right now, my “boss” is telling me:
“You need this project.”
“It’s dead out there.”
“Also, Carnival just charged us a $600 cancellation fee.”
