Well Hiya!!
Oh shucks! Is that not how y’all greet each other here in the big city? Shoot! Gosh darn it! Dagnabit and some Kraft on a Cracker. I’m sorry.
Let’s start over.
Hi. I’m Kayley. I could also have been Jenny or Kelly or Lindsey, but I am Kayley. My middle name is Marie or Nicole and I am blonde.
But like good blonde. Expensive blonde. The kind of blonde that may have been affordable back in my little hometown of Ohio, but that is going to set me back like six hundred dollars a month here in the big city! My hair will be perfect every time you see me, so it’s up to you to decide how I’m affording balayage on a waitress’s salary.
I am, of course, a waitress. My work uniform requires cute accent buttons, so I have a bunch. Including one that I brought myself to make sure I never forget where I’m from. My favorite city in the world: Nebraska. We have restaurants there, too! Fancy ones! Like Olive Garden and the Food Court at the Nice Mall with the Zales in it.
And it’s good that we have restaurants in my birth village of Michigan because I eat so much. We all do! What can I say! We’re farm country! As far as you know! But don’t worry, even though I’ve eaten mostly fried ice cream for my whole life and have been surrounded by farming and farmers, I’ve been able to avoid two major pitfalls: body fat and any meaningful, nuanced opinions about agriculture policy. I’m just so excited to be around tall buildings!!! They’re as long as cornfields are wide! Sure, someone else may have something insightful to say about the government subsidizing overproduction of inedible corn as a raw material rather than encouraging crop rotation or putting funds toward meaningful housing reform, but not me! I got an I heart NY t-shirt and a cotton candy vape!!
I came here to follow my dreams. I love all my neighbors in the itty bitty intimate one-horse town of Wisconsin, but you’re not allowed to dream there! Really! The Sheriff was my neighbor and my Dad’s best friend and my gym teacher and one day I told him “Gee Sheriff Dale. Someday, I hope to see a real oil painting.” He almost arrested me just to teach me a lesson. But rest easy, that very specific personal experience has not shaped my opinions of the role of law enforcement in civic life. It’s just a fun story!
My forbidden dream, of course, is to be an artist. There are no artists in the tight-knit community of Minnesota. Only farmers, nurses, and pastors’ wives. But I’ve always had a hunger inside of me that I know can’t be sated by a life of… you know… stuff that’s not the big city! I have something to say. I want to use my voice! I want to be a star! And everything that the big city requires of me in pursuit of that vague goal is fine and I have no objections at all!
It was a huge change for me to pack up my life and leave everything I’d ever known. And I mean everything. Before I moved to the big city, the only time my family went on vacation was from our small, cozy pueblo of Missouri over to the neighboring town of North Dakota. Their Sonic had tables outside! Really, the only exposure I got to other ways of living were books, movies, TV shows, the internet, stories from my friends who went on trips there, and reading and watching the national news. I actually don’t know if the reason my family didn’t go on more or further trips was because of our financial situation or because my parents had personal issues with straying too far from their comfort zones. But do not fret! Neither one of those elements of my upbringing have any bearing on my personality or worldview so we don’t have to care which one it is! I am a beautiful blank slate who is so excited to try Thai food and hear Chinese!
I am super cool about race. It’s safe to assume I have the exact same opinions about it as you do. We don’t need to say anything else on that subject. I certainly won’t.
For fun, I like to do normal stuff like wear jean shorts and listen to country music. I know a lot of music fans usually have an interest in particular artists and develop a knowledge base of their songs, careers, or even political leanings. Not me! I put Country Radio on Pandora and ask zero follow up questions. Do I think growing up in the American Heartland has instilled in me a deep affection for the simple and intimate pleasures of life that country music explores in a way no other genre does? Do I feel complicated about the co-opting of this attitude and, by extension, patriotism by one political faction of the country in a way that could make my love for the music send an inaccurate message about my personal values? Am I frustrated that a lot of people who are opposed to the general political bent of the country music industry feel empowered to infuse their criticisms with bonkers classism that goes virtually unchecked and unchallenged? Hahaha WHAT? No way! I just like to play it on my earbuds while I’m riding the big city Subway to auditions for MY DREAM!!!!
The most important thing about me, a Midwestern Girl So Excited to Be In the Big City is that I’m new here! And I’m excited about it. My life before was not a real life! The place I’m from is barely a real place! Like Narnia or University of Phoenix. But I’m ready to start over! To learn everything the big city has to teach me without imposing anything I’ve learned on them. Is this openness to the customs of new places and respect for cultural and individual differences a byproduct of a Midwestern heritage that emphasizes curiosity, politeness, and going with the flow so as not to make a fuss? Maybe? I’ve literally never thought about it. Why would I!? The podunk hamlet of Iowa is in my past, now!
Unless an unforeseen circumstance or tragedy forces me to leave my big city adventure and shamefully return to my homeland, forcing me to reckon with the small town life and people I left behind!! No. No. I won’t even think about that. That’ll be the sequel.
