I used AI to make a video that sucks. It is bad. It is boring. But I made it in under an hour. And now it is my entire personality.
To some, my AI-made video that sucks is only that: a video that sucks. A two-minute-long, barely coherent amalgam of regurgitated stock photo tropes used to promote my private business coaching sessions, populated with the kind of really hot women you can only find when you prompt a planet-frying neural computer with the words “really hot women.” The lip-sync is off. The voices are wooden. The breasts are turgid and spine-deforming.
But to me, my video that sucks is a revelation. It is my burning bush. My bodhi tree. It has delivered unto me two pieces of sacred knowledge:
First, videos that suck are the future. If I could make a video that sucks this much in one hour, imagine how hard I could make something suck in two hours, or even three. Through simple extrapolation, it becomes apparent that the amount of suck is bounded only by how many hours I can devote to it when I am not promoting my private business coaching sessions.
The second piece of knowledge is that everything… is cooked. Every person. Every industry. Cooked. The film industry is cooked. The visual effects industry is cooked. The publishing industry is cooked. The modeling industry is cooked in a boiling broth of turgid breasts hallucinated by brain-machines. I do not know anything about these industries, but I have used AI to make a video that sucks. And I have heard my nephew use the word “cooked.”
In the future, I will replace all the cooked industries. I will make videos that suck and books that suck and art that sucks and virtual girlfriends that suck and private business coaching sessions that suck even more. I will lie upon the scaffolding of man’s technological achievement, staring up at the blank chapel ceiling above me, brush in hand, a generational renaissance man who sucks.
But worry not, I seek more than just my own glorification. For the suckiest thing of all is that in the future, it will be possible for all of us to suck. Thus, it is my duty as Prometheus to bring the flame of AI suck to the poor unsucking masses before me. I must find them wherever they be: LinkedIn, Microsoft Teams, or my roommate’s parties. Just as I once opened their eyes to the possibilities of the Chase Sapphire credit card, I must now reveal to them the sucky promise of AI. “Yea,” I call out, “hear of my video that sucks! Know of all that is and all that will be cooked! Sit at my knee and share with me all the ways AI could integrate into your daily workflow and flood the dusty, cracked lake bed of your professional life with rolling waves of shimmering suck!”
Also, have you heard what’s happening with Bitcoin now? It’s like, not what you think.
