Dear @tiffany_forthe_winfany77,
I’m really not supposed to reach out to the people I surveil, but I would be doing the world a great disservice if I didn’t intervene just this once. I was monitoring your conversation with Jessy O’Rouke (8 Magnolia Place, Park Ridge Illinois, blood type -AB, social security number: 130-92-8461) and saw that you were thinking of giving up on your dream of being a professional artist.
PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS! You have a gift. I stumbled upon your work a little after I was first assigned to you (just two months before your 19th birthday) and I can say without a doubt it has changed my life for the better. For a long time, I didn’t care much for crafts or the nerds who partook in them. I lived for the weekend and focused on my two jobs: watching your every move and running the official Q’Anon Twitter page… then I saw your drawing of Officer Judy Hops from Pixar’s Zootopia. I was blown away. I had never any interest in the furry stuff, but there’s something about the way YOU draw a rabbit with tits and an ass you could crack an egg on that finally had me understanding the hype. I decided to check out the rest of your page, and HOLY GUACAMOLE can you draw the shit out of anthropomorphic animal sex. Your “jacked and juicy dingo” series (April-August, 2017) is especially detailed. Consistency is key, I suppose.
Either way, you have a talent my friend: one that needs to be shared with as many people as possible. One that could honestly make you a millionaire.
The problem is that you aren’t putting yourself out there. Social Media CAN be an asset, but if it isn’t working out, there are ways around it. Start hitting conventions, get yourself a booth, get your work in front of people’s faces IRL. There is no need for hashtags at Furry Fest Pittsburg ‘25, and there’s no way for people to ignore a painting of an iguana going down on a raccoon (like the one you posted on july 15th) if they have to pass it to get to the taco trucks outside.
If that’s not your vibe: try graffiti! Make like Basquiat and make your mark on the side of a subway car: only his mark was critiques of racial inequity, whereas yours is a slutty cartoon possum. But what is racial inequity if not the butthole on the slutty cartoon possum that is America? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.
You could also start doing commissions! Think of all the computer scientists who would open their wallets for you if given the chance. There has to be someone out there thinking to themselves “Golly, a framed print of a fem-boy-ferret’s penis would really tie the living room together.” I can’t be the only one who would hire you. As a matter of fact, I know I am not the only one because Glenn Mayfield (9 Maple Ave, Omaha Nebraska, blood type +O, social security number: 120-48-6541) has visited your page 217 times in the last four days. But (other than him) if I am: then I hope you can find solace in the fact that SOMEONE is in your corner. SOMEONE resonates with your creations. SOMEONE is not only rooting for you, but using his lunch time to flag your competition on the internet and going into our branch’s data centers to actively manipulate the algorithm to get your GIFs of salamanders sixty-nining onto screens across the country.
You are making things that impact people, Tiffany. You need to honor yourself, your craft, your fans, and that sexyass toucan in the cutoff jean shorts you drew while on vacation in Puerto Rico last February.
Don’t give up and remember: life is a marathon, not a race.
Sincerely,
The NSA Agent Assigned to Your Case File.
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Jay Servedio (24) is a writer, satirist, and stand-up comedian from the Hudson Valley of New York. He performs stand-up and sketch comedy all over NYC and the East Coast and writes the fiction and satire publication “Ramblin’ Mind” on Substack. His work has been featured in Points in Case and Sports Riot. You can follow him on all platforms at @therealjayservedio.
