The rumors are true: I’m overjoyed and not at all ashamed to share that I’ll be joining the HBO Max Harry Potter family as Stickles the Gender-Policing Elf, a character created exclusively for this series to, in author J. K. Rowling’s words, “address the crumbling morals of a world I haven’t really interacted with since 1997.”
Of course, it’s a lifetime dream to be part of the Wizarding World. I loved the books as a child, and I’d say their message of friendship, courage, and imagination is more relevant than ever—please treat this as my official stance and disregard any contradictory statements I’ve made on social media, at least until my accounts are deleted.
From the start of the audition process, I had a good feeling about Stickles, described as “a mischievous, unpredictable creature who brings levity and chaos to the Hogwarts grounds while reminding students there are forms of self-expression so indulgent and dangerous, they make Avada Kedavra look like a nursery rhyme.” Also, he wears a jingly hat.
After I got the first callback, I began to think I might actually have a shot at the role. I was shown grainy public restroom security camera footage and asked to point out anyone who looked “lost” or “not quite what I was expecting.” I was unsure at first, then my improv training kicked in, and I pointed at a service dog, saying, “If they’re in the men’s room, that better be a blue collar.” I swear I heard an executive whisper, “…That’s Stickles.”
When my agent gave me the news, I hugged him so hard he had to catch his breath before saying he couldn’t represent me anymore. (Nate, if you’re reading, I get it: We have to live our truth, and I couldn’t go back to asking my parents for rent and portraying “tuberculosis patient #18” at a local nursing school. Blessings on your journey.)
Soon, I’ll be on set to begin filming. Honestly, I can’t believe I’ll be standing alongside legends like John Lithgow, Nick Frost, and several other actors currently in legal battles to determine whether their involvement with the show can be mentioned in public. My first scene is on the Hogwarts Express, where I scold a male student for transforming into a butter churn that’s a little too female-presenting. “Remember,” I tell a train car full of children, “Hogwarts is a place where anything can happen, except a few very specific things we’ve decided will unravel the fabric of society. Beedle-dee-dee!”
I hope you’ll all tune in when the series premieres. We’ll be hard at work bringing Harry Potter’s story to life—again—for the next seven years. Because that’s how much of my life I’ve committed to this project: seven years. Maybe more if they extend the storyline. Who knows, this role could take up the rest of my career. Wow.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m feeling lightheaded and would like to lie down on my new bed in my new apartment and look at my no-longer-overdrawn bank account balance. I guess I’m dizzy from being around so much magic, right? Yeah, that must be it. See you at Hogwarts!
