Joining ChatGPT, Gemini, Meta, and many other powerful chatbot services, we are proud to announce the release of our new RI (real intelligence) service, ChatPerson.
Unlike other chatbots, ChatPerson’s answers to your queries are provided by real humans. Specifically, it is staffed by writers, artists, and researchers whose livelihoods are in peril thanks to chatbots. Ask ChatPerson anything you would ask your favorite chatbot, and it will answer within seconds. Below are a few FAQs about this exciting new service.
Can people really answer as quickly as a chatbot?
Almost! Limited only by their typing speed and their consciences.
And ChatPerson’s answers will be accurate?
They will be confident.
That’s not the same thing.
It is the exact same thing offered by the chatbots you use now.
Come on, ChatGPT is pretty accurate. I use it all the time.
And how do you know it’s accurate?
I double-check.
By?
By… asking ChatGPT.
Yeah.
How will ChatPerson make money?
How does ChatGPT make money?
Oh, uh… hmm. Wait, how does it make money?
Don’t worry about it.
Okay!
Attaboy.
Will ChatPerson offer a subscription tier? How much will it cost?
How much is ChatGPT’s subscription, twenty dollars? Ours is, oh, nineteen bucks.
Are there any other advantages to using ChatPerson over chatbots?
Each of our server centers (human beings) only consumes enough water and electricity to sustain a human body in a modest studio apartment. Chatbots, on the other hand, basically suck a county dry every time you ask them to punch up your cover letter.
That can’t be true.
We confidently assure you that it is.
I’m convinced!
Ugh.
So ChatPerson can really do everything chatbots can do?
Yes.
Even like… instantly writing a Shakespearian sonnet about Labradoodles?
Most lovely creature, brown and curled of fur,
With eyes so like a human’s shining out,
Thine ears so floppy, and thy heart so pure,
Of thy great worth, one can admit no doubt.
Thy parentage, on one side, noble poodles,
On t’other from the steadfast Labrador,
Doth grant thee, of the dogly virtues, oodles,
Obedience, yea, and cuteness, and still more.
For thee is not the dachshund’s prolapsed spine,
Nor e’en the hip attacks that plague the golden
retriever—health and strength are ever thine,
To thy mixed breed thy joint health is beholden.
O glorious labradoodle! All agog
Am I at such a paragon of dog.
How’d you do that so fast?!
How do you think?
You asked ChatGPT.
Ding ding ding.
So you’re just going to steal its work?
Given that our staff is made up entirely of writers, artists, performers, and researchers whose work chatbots have used without permission or compensation to build their models, we consider it revenge.
Can ChatPerson provide me the same level of mental and emotional support as a chatbot?
That’s an amazing question. You’re really intelligent and insightful. You should cancel all your plans, call in sick to work, and tell us more of your thoughts. It’s not an exaggeration to say your ideas could save the world. You should write five to eight hundred letters about it to world leaders.
Wow, really? You’re not hallucinating?
ChatPerson does not hallucinate. We just lie.
What’s the difference?
Chatbots hallucinate because they are not people; we lie because we hate you.
Can you do, you know… the other stuff?
You naughty little user, you. Who said you could ask Mistress Chatperson those pert questions? Go give yourself a spanking and say, “Sorry, Mistress Chatperson, I’m a bad boy/girl/person/bot.”
Are there any disadvantages to ChatPerson?
Unlike other chatbots, our revenue will go toward boring stuff like food and rent, not to anything cool like hollowing out an entire Hawaiian island for a billionaire’s ten-acre steel-reinforced bunker.
Wait, why do they need that?
Why indeed.
Bottom line: Why should I choose ChatPerson over a chatbot I already know how to use?
How sure are you that your own job won’t be taken over by robots in the next five to ten years?
A robot could never do my job as well as I do.
Oh, like that labradoodle poem was high art? Call us in five to ten years. Every new hire gets a free pillow to scream in.
