TORONTO – A local lesbian who doesn’t care about sports has determined that that is why she cannot find love and therefore she may as well just die.
Jesse Cameron, 33, came to the dire conclusion after yet another failed first date at a bar. “I was trying to talk to her about her childhood trauma, but she just kept yelling at the guys on TV playing baseball or soccer or whatever,” said Cameron, who yells at her own TV while watching The Ultimatum: Queer Love. When asked what game was on at the time, Cameron’s eyes glossed over like her cat’s after he had dental surgery.
Cameron has tried to show enthusiasm for her dates’ interests. “I even went with one to a Jays game, but as soon as she found out I didn’t order a veggie dog, she ditched me. Can’t win, so I guess I just walk into the sea now? How does this work?”
The unlucky lesbian reportedly then tried joining one of Toronto’s roller derby leagues, but blacked out during her first jam and forgot which teammates she’d already dated. After that, Cameron was forced to broaden her horizons.
“I tried going to a tarot reader, but even her deck was softball-themed,” bemoans Cameron. “When she pulled the Death card, it was just a picture of the Grim Reaper coming for my Hinge profile with a baseball bat. So I’d say that was a big hint.”
In lieu of allowing Cameron to spend the remainder of her days terminally alone, friends have reportedly tried a variety of methods to support her clearly-doomed quest for love without any sports. Unfortunately, these attempts have included reminding Cameron of her childhood crush on Sporty Spice, buying her season tickets for the Toronto WNBA team that doesn’t exist yet, and arguing that professional wrestling “isn’t technically a sport.” Currently, much like Cameron’s love life, her friends are batting zero.
“Oh yeah, this woman stands no chance,” says local life/dating/soccer coach Dana Isaacs. “In the long run, a queer woman who doesn’t like sports has already dropped the ball. Any connection she makes is just not going to work out. She may as well throw in the towel. Or she could hire me as her coach.”
When asked what she meant by “just die”, Cameron clarified that she did not mean self-harm, but rather throwing away her phone and abandoning society for an isolated cottage in the woods.
“You know, the obvious option.”
At press time, Cameron’s isolated cottage gambit accidentally resulted in her discovering the queer commune of her dreams, and meeting her soulmate.
