“Seven of the nine universities that the White House initially approached about a plan to steer more federal money toward schools aligned with President Trump’s priorities have refused to endorse the proposal.” —The New York Times
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Dear Little Daisies Preschool,
Following the rejection of our university-level Compact for Academic Excellence by certain elite institutions, we have refocused our efforts on more receptive partners and a more malleable student population. Therefore, we are pleased to offer you a $250 grant from the US Department of Education. We trust that you will join our mission to restore rigor, accountability, and competitive spirit to the preschool sector.
To receive our largesse, you must adhere to the strictures outlined below.
Preschool as a Marketplace of Ideas
“Sharing is caring” cannot be the only allowable point of view when it comes to resource allocation. Sure, sometimes you might set a timer to switch up turns with the Magna Doodle, but you must incorporate a balanced approach and make space for “You snooze, you lose” and “Sorry, Charlie.” If the slower children complain about “fairness,” they can take themselves to Cozy Cube and think about where weakness gets them.
Language
English only, please. No Steven Steven, bo-beven, bonana fanna fo-feven.
Morning Meeting
Next time you do your Little Red Hen puppet show, make the moral clearer. Instead of not getting any bread because they are lazy, make it so Cat, Duck, and Pig lose Medicaid eligibility.
As for fingerplays, discontinue “Five Little Monkeys.” It advocates for a nanny state that’s unsustainable, with Mama calling the doctor five times in one night. Instead, emphasize rugged individualism. Some little piggies have roast beef, some don’t, and that’s just how the free market works.
Underscore to the children that Thumbkin clearly and directly identifies himself. No “Am I being detained?” or “I know my rights.” Just “Here I am. Here I am.” Encourage this as appropriate conformity.
“Simon Says” should be played twice daily, with no softening of the rules or second chances. Children need to learn that if they touch their tummies without permission, there’s a consequence. No appeals process.
Art
“Multicultural” skin tone crayons and other woke art supplies must be removed. We will provide an ample supply of Crayola Mango Tango for this year’s self-portraits, to be hung up at Open House.
No dot paints, sponges, or other tools that encourage abstraction. Renderings should be clearly identifiable and nonthreatening.
Reduce art time in general, especially for boys.
Free Play
Boys in the Block Area must submit proposals demonstrating positive ROI. Discussions about zoning restrictions or OSHA regulations are to be discouraged and potentially reported. Absolutely no unionizing.
Add some Melissa & Doug play purses (with compacts, false eyelashes, etc.) to your Housekeeping Center to encourage female participation. We call this “gender parity.”
Story Time
Fairy tales are fine when they teach practical lessons, e.g., Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood (girls should stay home safe) or Chicken Little (environmental hysterics get eaten). Avoid any fairy tales that frame wealth redistribution as heroic, such as those involving theft from lawful property owners via beanstalks. If you wish to read The Emperor’s New Clothes, it has to be the Kash Patel rewrite, in which the clothing is absolutely real and the Emperor is not ever naked.
OTHER ACCEPTABLE BOOKS: Kristi Noem’s Go Away, Antifa! and My First Border Detention Flip and See.
PROHIBITED: Any books promoting “chosen families,” “being yourself,” or “cooperation.” Todd Parr is rapidly rising on our watch list. Do you want to join him?
Please confirm receipt of this compact within five business days by returning the attached Schedule C and Certification of Ideological Compliance. Failure to respond will result in immediate reallocation of funds to your rivals at Hoppy Toads Preschool, pending their completion of the Patriotism in Play-Doh pilot program.
—The Trump Administration
