TORONTO – A popular new sportsbetting app, BetDuel Sportsbook & Casino, advertises “all the fun of sportsbetting and casino slots right in your pocket, plus 4 in 5 odds of developing a debilitating compulsion!”
This year apps like Fanduel, Betway, and DraftKings have broken records for personal money lost while sitting on the toilet. Not to be outmatched, BetDuel promises to hijack users’ dopamine responses faster and deplete their life savings even quicker, with nearly 81% of users “losing it all within a matter of weeks!”
BetDuel invites players to “get in on the action” of sportsbetting addiction, casino addiction, and even workplace just-for-fun Oscar Pool addiction. One pillar of BetDuel’s success involves pervasive advertising on televised sports psychologically calibrated to target users with addictive personalities. These omnipresent ads also include endorsements from amoral celebrities like Conor McGregor, Jamie Foxx, and David Schwimmer, allowing BetDuel to corner the market on terrified young men living paycheck to paycheck.
“These days cost of living and unemployment are out of control, not to mention the so-called ‘male loneliness epidemic’, which is all massively helpful for us,” explains head BetDuel programmer Anders Larssen. “Throw in the amount of time everyone spent isolated at home during COVID lockdowns, leading to a weakening of social bonds and societal cohesion, and there has never been a better time to get men aged 15 to 55 locked into a downward spiral of financial ruin.”
The inventor of BetDuel, which was recently acquired for $1.6 billion by the Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund, shares the secrets that make his sportsbetting app up to three times more addictive than the competition.
“It’s a funny story actually,” explains lead developer Chad Farks, from his Palo Alto compound. “BetDuel originally started out as an app to conveniently share revenge porn of ex-girlfriends, but when we started letting users gamble on rankings of the females, that became the most profitable feature. Cool, huh?”
Farks added, “Thanks to the utter abdication of government regulation around gambling apps or gambling advertising, we realized the real money was in helping users to destroy their OWN lives, and now I own a Gulfstream G800. Sick!”
Across Canada, players are sharing their own exciting experiences with BetDuel’s Proprietary AI-Fueled Hyperdependancy Algorithm.
“With my boring old IRL gambling addiction, I would have to sneak away to a casino to bet my daughter’s college fund,” explains Trevor Hawkes, of Burnaby, BC. “But now thanks to BetDuel, I can make life-ruining decisions anytime on my phone right in front of my family, and they have no idea!”
“Technically I’m not really losing money on my BetDuel addiction, because I stole my mom’s credit card to bet on the Jays,” notes Kyle Turner, 15, of Oshawa, ON.
At press time, BetDuel is rolling out a new feature allowing players to accept gruelling rideshare driver jobs to pay off their mounting gambling losses.
