No One In James Taylor Audience Has Functional Enough Knees To Give Standing Ovation

CHICAGO—Despite numerous reports that the performance was “just absolutely fantastic,” nobody in the audience of a recent James Taylor concert had functional enough knees to give the “Fire And Rain” singer a standing ovation. “I loved it,” said 85-year-old audience member Cheryl Feinstein, one of the roughly 3,000 decrepit fans in attendance who called for an encore by barely croaking out “Sweet Baby James” at the loudest register their warbling vocal cords could muster while waving their tender, arthritic hands instead of clapping. “My husband and I both can’t hear too good, so we don’t know if he played ‘How Sweet It Is’ or not, but we think that song is fabulous!” At press time, James Taylor was unable to stand up and walk off the stage.