Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums 

STOCKHOLM—In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. “What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person has eaten dozens of jalapeño poppers,” said Olle Kämpe, chair of the Nobel Prize Committee for Physiology or Medicine, adding that the panel was particularly impressed by the scientific rigor behind Tums’ catchy jingle and its pioneering development of colorful little miracle tablets. “How often have we been unduly punished by our own bodies for having one too many chili dogs? How many generations have accepted that bloating is the inevitable price of enjoying a greasy bacon double cheeseburger? Tums allows our children to grow up in a world where they can house two dozen Buffalo wings without the consequence of an upset stomach.” At press time, Tums had also been awarded the James Beard Award for Excellence in Tropical Flavoring.