Art by Matt Smith
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In 2019, an abandoned smartphone was found partially buried beneath layers of sediment and urine in a South Boston alleyway. This forgotten relic was soon revealed to contain a remarkable audio text describing in great detail the religious beliefs of ancient Scandinavia. This oral manuscript was transcribed and released to the general public as Norse Mythology for Bostonians in early 2020 and translated into English and released as The Impudent Edda in late 2023.
During the global lockdown that followed the transcription’s initial release, archeologists, historians, and philologists continued to study the audio text as well as the device itself, now known simply as the Codex Bostonia. These researchers eventually uncovered an additional stash of hidden audio files stored in a previously secret location on the phone’s memory card. These recently recovered myths are being documented and made available to the public here as they become available in either transcripted or translated form. The breadth of their arcane lore, the depth of their spiritual insights, and the poignancy of their poetic revelations confirm that the collective audio texts of the Codex Bostonia remain the single most important contribution to our knowledge of pre-Christian Scandinavian religious beliefs to have emerged in a millennium.
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Tyr Takes Fenrir to
a Dog-Training Class
So the thing is, Fenrir’s acting like a total fucking asshole day in and day out. I mean, not only does this deranged animal try to bite the hand off everyone who attempts to feed him, but he also just can’t stop humping the gods’ legs. And it’s worst of all for Hod since he can’t see shit, and so all he ever hears is Fenrir’s creepy panting right before he lunges, and then the next thing Hod knows, he’s been knocked to the ground and Fenrir is attempting to defile his fucking quadricep.
And to add insult to injury, now the postal service is threatening to stop delivering mail to all of Asgard because they’re sick and tired of this mean fucking animal attacking every goddamned mailman who shows up in the neighborhood. And so for Odin, this is the last fucking straw. I’m not sure why he cares so much about the mail since he mostly just gets a bunch of unsolicited life insurance ads and discount coupons for Market Basket that he never remembers to use. But whatever. He makes the executive decision that it’s finally fucking time to get Fenrir some proper training.
And, of course, Fenrir gets wind of this, and he’s like, “How about no, you fucking one-eyed freak.”
But then Odin threatens to invite a vet over to neuter him while he sleeps, and that was a pretty convincing argument, so Fenrir gave in. And naturally, the task falls to Tyr since, for some reason no one even understands, Tyr had kind of taken a liking to Fenrir.
So Tyr goes and he signs up for a dog-training class, which was way more expensive than he thought it would be since no one in Asgard is used to stupid fucking hyperinflation. Then the big day comes, and he and Fenrir go and get in the Jeep, but Fenrir refuses to be leashed, so he’s just sitting up there in the front seat in full-on dog-is-copilot mode, but with the added bonus of being in possession of a terrible temper and some serious fucking anger-management issues.
So anyway, they hit the road and Tyr’s driving stick since he still had two good hands at this point in time. And it’s a wicked nice day out in early June, so they got the top off and the wind blowing in their hair, and Fenrir’s head-banging and howling along to the lyrics of “We Drink Your Blood” by Powerwolf, which he knows by heart. Tyr was in more of a Led Zeppelin mood that day but Fenrir insisted on German power metal, and sometimes you just can’t win when you’re dealing with a demonic pet who doesn’t really want to get in the car in the first fucking place.
At some point, they pull up next to a Volvo full of girls in their twenties who are listening to Taylor Swift at a red light, and they’d clearly been thoroughly enjoying themselves up till then. But the German power metal blasting at top volume would have been enough to weird these girls out alone, even if the Jeep didn’t have a head-banging evil canine and stoic war god duo in it. So it’s no surprise they immediately rolled up their windows, locked the doors, and took the first turn they could after the light finally turned fucking green.
Eventually, Tyr and Fenrir get to the dog-training place. I think it was at a Petco, but I’m not sure. That part doesn’t fucking matter. What is important is that Fenrir walked into the establishment off-leash and immediately proceeded to bare his fucking teeth and start growling at all the other dogs. And then Tyr strolls in after him, and the guy running the class asks him if he’s the big guy’s dog dad and tells him he really needs to put him on a leash, especially before and after the training sessions.
And the part about the leash goes straight in Tyr’s one ear and out the other, but he fixates on the dog dad comment and is like, “Fuck no, I’m not his dad. I don’t even know where his dad is right now, but I’d guess he’s probably out in Iron Wood banging a bunch of fucking trolls and doing other treacherous shit.”
Which caused an awkward silence, and all the other dog moms and dog dads all just kind of looked at each other. Meanwhile, Fenrir is prowling around, hiking his leg on everything in sight till he sees this tiny, little chihuahua that he goes up to and snarls at since he’s such an asshole.
And so the trainer guy is like, “Seriously, man, put your dog on a—“ but he never even finishes the sentence because then Fenrir jumps at him but Tyr rushes in and wrangles Fenrir to the ground before he can bite the trainer’s literal head off. And so Tyr pins Fenrir down and now he’s shouting “No! Bad Fenrir! Bad!” in Fenrir’s face, and then Fenrir eventually calms down and Tyr starts rubbing his belly in just the right spot so that his hind leg starts twitching. And all the dog moms and dads are capturing this entire fucking shitshow on their smartphones to upload to social media later on.
And the trainer looks like he’s just seen a fucking ghost and basically tells Tyr he needs to take his dog and leave, and that he’s going to report this to the humane society, since Fenrir clearly is in need of a better home. So Tyr and Fenrir get back in the Jeep and stop in Maynard for some maple walnut ice cream at Erikson’s on the way back to Asgard, and another embarrassing scene ensues in the parking lot there, but all the while Tyr just can’t stop thinking about how Odin’s going to lose his shit when he finds out that they got kicked out of the fucking training class before it even began.
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(It should be noted that in Boston saga literature, Bezos and his ilk are usually referenced via the use of kennings. A kenning is a poetic device in which a subject is mentioned by reference to its qualities, sometimes in a riddle-like manner. The best known is example is Beowulf’s kenning of the “whale road” in reference to the sea. Other kennings for Jeff Bezos include: Jerk-Off Jeff, One of the Guys Who Basically Owns You, the Dark Lord of the Rings of Power, and the Glittering False God of Small Business Bankruptcy.)
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WAIT!
One more thing!
Launching soon on Kickstarter!
Children of Tax and Tea is a special edition full-color, illustrated, hardback, humorous history book about the Vikings written in the charmingly profane tone of a foul-mouthed Bostonian. The book stems from McSweeney’s longest-running humor column, “Norse History for Bostonians,” written by Rowdy Geirsson since 2010 and illustrated by Matt Smith since 2017. Discounts will be available during the project’s first forty-eight hours, so follow it now to receive notification when it goes live!
