Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—Whistling and cheerfully pumping his arms as he strolled through the corridors of the U.S. military’s headquarters, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly walked fully nude Friday around the newly press-free Pentagon. “Come on, everybody, don’t be shy!” said Hegseth, who yelled to be heard over the SiriusXM classic rock station blasting from his office as he urged his subordinates to disrobe with him. “Forget all my grumbling about fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon—it’s time to cut loose! Those stick-in-the-mud reporters can’t stop us now. At least take off your shoes! Be free! Don’t mind those guys over there. They’re not real journalists; they’re One America News.” At press time, sources reported that Hegseth was doing nude pull-ups in one of the Pentagon’s SCIFs.