Starbucks. It’s just overpriced coffee, not a satanic ritual in a paper cup.
Apple. We encourage people to “Think Different”, but not so differently that they start asking too many questions.
Coca-Cola. No quotas, no pronouns, no activism. Just corn syrup.
Chipotle. The only thing we’re smuggling into this country is calories, wrapped neatly in foil.
Hallmark. Our cards do celebrate Christmas, not godless holidays invented by liberals with scented candles.
Costco. We sell 48 muffins in a single container because it’s efficient and not because it’s socialism.
Walgreens. We fill your prescriptions, not liberal Supreme Court seats.
Netflix. We don’t cancel people. We just cancel shows after two seasons and unresolved cliffhangers.
Amazon. Bezos is not funding the silencing conservatives. He’s silencing unions. He’s much more bipartisan than you think!
The Weather Channel. We report storms. We do not orchestrate them through chemtrails.
Disney+. We don’t love Jimmy Kimmel. We love subscriber revenue. Please don’t confuse the two.
Math. Two plus two still equals four. Please stop asking us if it’s woke.
- About the Author
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J.K. Radomski is a Canadian freelance writer whose words have appeared in newspapers such as The Seattle Post-Intelligencer and The Rocky Mountain News, as well as a number of magazines and trade publications like The Hollywood Reporter. He enjoys one-hit-wonders from the ‘80s, binge watches a lot of TV, drinks Lagavulin, and contemplates the lives of pygmy marmosets in his spare time. Follow him on Twitter @tvwriter
