In a story emerging from Boston, MA, 26-year-old Pat Miller was just informed that three of her close friends will be moving a couple of streets down the road from their current apartment, which is to say they are moving impossibly far away.
What the fuck? How are they all going to survive long distance?
“When I heard the news, I fell to my knees,” Pat told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was cleaning up shards of glass from the cup she dramatically dropped when she got the call. “They’re moving from Upton St to Auburn? How are we going to manage the time difference?”
Reporters assured Pat that there would be no time difference between these two locations, as they are approximately 200 meters apart.
“We were nervous to tell Pat about the big move because of her attachment issues, of course,” Sydney Patel, one of the three moving roommates, told reporters. “We had planned to take her out to dinner and break the news softly, as is only right, but we found out word had started getting around. We just didn’t want her to hear it from someone else.”
As far as how they’re going to manage the long distance between them, Sydney is optimistic it won’t jeopardize their relationship.
“Sure, we might have to walk an extra six minutes to hang out every day like we do now, but I can’t imagine that’ll be too much of an issue, right?” she told reporters. “People make that sort of distance work all the time! We don’t have to, like, break up the gang because of it, do we?”
Reporters emphatically said no.
“I guess there are new, revolutionary ways of staying in touch these days,” Pat told reporters, self-soothing by rocking back and forth. “Maybe I’ll get them one of those little statues that lights up when I press it to convey that I’m thinking about them! That’ll be nice. I’m sure they’ll really appreciate that.”
Speaking almost entirely to herself, Pat also mentioned that phones are “better now than ever” and the group “could even video call sometimes.”
As of press time, Pat decided it would be worth it to look for an apartment three streets down as well so as not to break up the gang.
“It’s important to make sacrifices for the people you love,” she continued. “And for me, that means moving from an 02139 ZIP code to a…oh, it’s the same ZIP code actually. Nice!”
