It can be hard to assert yourself in this world. Maybe you grew up feeling like everyone’s emotions were your responsibility, so you became skilled at managing them. Or, you prefer the path of least resistance, which sometimes means abandoning yourself. It’s time to stop making everyone else’s happiness your first priority. Here’s how you can stop people pleasing unless someone seems like they want you to start again, in which case it’s totally okay to start again.
Start strong with “I feel” statements.
After a lifetime of people pleasing, it’s likely you’ve lost touch with your own emotions. Ground yourself back in your body by using “I feel” statements like, “I feel angry when you speak to me that way.” Just keep in mind, other people are also allowed to use “I feel” statements, such as, “I feel you’re being unfair for no reason,” at which point you can totally return to people pleasing for a bit.
Do daily affirmations.
To bolster your confidence, stand in front of the mirror every morning and say things like, “I am deserving of love,” and “I know myself better than anyone else does.” If your roommate is annoyed at you for being too loud – or rather, if they seem to be annoyed but aren’t saying anything about it – feel free to internalize that feedback before it is even given and lower your voice.
Be aware of your surroundings.
Sure, you’re not people pleasing anymore, but it’s still really important to be aware of your surroundings, specifically, how every single person around you feels about you no longer being a people pleaser. Do they seem upset? Silently resentful? Oh god, backtrack! Backtrack! Backtrack!
Conduct a survey of your friend group.
All this guessing is going to drive you nuts – it’s best to just confirm if everyone is mad at you by sending out a survey over text and email. The survey will give you great insight into whether your friends are enjoying your post-people-pleasing personality or find it grating. Cut out the middleman! The middleman is your anxious brain.
There you have it! It’s time to start asserting yourself unless that seems grating to everyone else, in which case you can totally reel it all back in. You’ll be cool and confident in no time, unless that makes you intimidating and scary to others – then, stop immediately and reassure them that you’re the same as you’ve always been!
