Report: Your Naked Body Will Make Entire Morgue Laugh

MINNEAPOLIS—In its detailed analysis of how your corpse will appear when lying on a brightly lit postmortem examination table, a report published Friday by researchers in the University of Minnesota’s mortuary science program concluded that your naked body will make the entire morgue laugh. “According to our projections, the mortician, an assistant, and anyone else who happens to walk in and catch sight of your unclothed remains will immediately burst into uncontrollable laughter at both the size and shape of your various body parts,” said lead researcher Rachel Stein, adding that your abdomen, genitals, and buttocks, along with any tattoos you may have, will become inside jokes at the funeral home, hospital, or medical examiner’s office where your dead body will lie exposed for several hours. “Someone will look at your toe tag, chuckle as they read your name aloud, and then tell all their coworkers to ‘come over here and take a look at this one.’ A gathering of people will soon be pointing out unsightly aspects of your body and saying things like ‘That’s just goofy’ and ‘I’ve never seen one like that before.’ They will remember your name for many years, as it will become shorthand for any repellent anatomical feature they encounter from that day on.” The report went on to state that this situation will not be helped by the fact that your name is Dick B. Short.