RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Monday during which he denied ever laying eggs in Vanity Fair editor Olivia Nuzzi. “I know there has been a lot of speculation about me depositing my clutch of eggs inside this journalist’s body, but that couldn’t be further from the truth,” said Kennedy, who stated that his medical records showed all his fluid sacs were accounted for, that texts in which he expressed a desire to “bind you in my silk” had been taken completely out of context, and that his ovipositor “never broke skin.”“If I did lay my eggs in this woman, then where is my brood of hatchlings? I’ve seen photos of this so-called journalist, and I doubt she’d be a suitable host. The only person to receive my mucus-y egg sac has been my beautiful wife, Cheryl, whose slowly liquefying organs have supported my incubating spawn for 11 wonderful years.” At press time, Kennedy invited a visibly pulsating, larvae-laden Cheryl Hines up to the podium to bite his head off for nourishment.