RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer

WASHINGTON—Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday that encourage Americans to eat what he described as good cancer to kill the bad cancer already in their bodies. “They cancel each other out,” Kennedy told reporters as he demonstrated how he uses a Microplane to grate tumors he forages from medical waste bins, incorporating their positive carcinogenic effects into his meals. “Instead of flooding your system with nasty chemicals that big pharmaceutical companies manufacture in foreign labs, you can incorporate organic good cancer into your system to naturally crowd out and eliminate the harmful bad cancer cells. We’ve known about this for generations, but lobbyist groups like the American Cancer Society have misled people about the proven health benefits of good cancer in order to line their pockets. It’s all about balance: Too much good cancer will act like a bad cancer, but not enough good cancer in your diet will cause the bad cancer to run amok.” As he blended a raw tumor into a Nutribullet smoothie, Kennedy argued that it was best to consume the good cancer raw to avoid cooking off its healthy cancer properties.