Kennedy’s Volcano Lair, D.C. – Robert Kennedy Jr. has shocked the scientific community after firing the entire vaccine board and replacing them with Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Doctor Doom, and Dr. Evil.
“There has been no connection made between vaccines and living,” stated Kennedy. “But there have been studies showing a link between reality television and reality, Austin Powers and STD’s, and the defeat of the Fantastic Four with restoring order to the world.”
After the new board members had been appointed, the four were seen rubbing their hands together, arching their eye-brows, and laughing maniacally, which is a newer custom for workers hired under the current Trump administration.
“I’ll kill that Sonic no matter what,” screamed Dr. Robotnik, another advisor to the board hand-picked by Kennedy. “Also, raw milk is good for you. There are no known negative consequences to an all raw milk diet. We’ll need all the natural protein we can possibly get to catch that blue hedgehog, if it’s the last thing I do, I’ll get him!”
While all of RFK Jr.’s appointees have technically received their doctorates, none of them agree with any other experts on any subject of education, leading to constant bickering even within their own group.
“I got into politics to stop Spider-Man,” stated Doctor Octopus, another appointee and constant arch-nemesis of Spider-Man. “But of course keeping Americans healthy is important to me too. I don’t trust vaccines, but I do trust this spider-killing ray gun I invented myself, which all Americans will be required to carry starting next year, bwahahahaha-HAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
Kennedy has also announced his plans to replace two deputies of the health and safety board with Dr. Hannibal Lecter, despite Lecter’s comments about finding Robert Kennedy Jr., “creepy and weird.”
