PLAYERS: Infertility can be played alone, in a couple, or with a friend who promised that if you were still single at forty, they’d hook you up.
OBJECTIVE: The goal is to strategically bankrupt yourself physically, financially, and emotionally to become a parent. Average playing time is anywhere between two and ten years, but can last even longer, depending on your willingness to be mistaken for grandparents.
HOW TO PLAY: Starting from “Optimism Alley,” players choose one of three paths to begin: IVF Lane, Surrogacy Street, or Adoption Road. Players roll the dice to move down their path, landing on completely random outcomes that either propel them into frightening new stages of anxiety or spiral them backward into psychological and bodily horrors. The first player to outsmart human biology wins. At any time, players can quit and get into beekeeping.
EQUIPMENT: Each player or couple is provided one CHARM (janky uterus, shriveled sperm, prayer beads, or consolation golden retriever) to represent them on the BOARD. There are TWO DICE, A SAVINGS ACCOUNT, A BLOOD PRESSURE MONITOR, and TWO SETS OF CARDS: one for Unsolicited Opinions and one for Social Media Triggers. In the modern edition, each player also gets a PODCAST to document their “journey.”
PREPARATION: Have unsuccessful sex for at least six months before playing Infertility (if you’re over thirty-five, you can skip right to the “Find IVF Clinic” square). Place the board on a stable marriage, or if you’re playing alone, on a decent maternity policy. Each player gets $150,000 of starter money,* distributed into savings accounts as follows:
- IVF Lane: $20,000
- Adoption Alley: $50,000
- Surrogacy Street: $100,000
*All remaining money goes to The Therapist. If players need more money, they must borrow against their mental health.
TO START THE GAME: Each player tells their infertility story to the group. The player or couple with the most tragic tale goes first, and so on. Example: a player who can’t get pregnant because they had childhood cancer goes before a player who had a miscarriage during a work offsite at an Applebee’s. Unless the Bourbon Chicken caused the miscarriage, then it’s reversed.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE CARDS: When a player lands on Unsolicited Advice, they must put on the blood pressure monitor, draw a card, and read the “advice” out loud. Players then divide their blood pressure and move forward by the corresponding number of spaces. Example:
Unsolicited Advice: “Have you tried adopting internationally? I bet Ukraine has a ton of orphans!”
Blood Pressure: 140/90 (1.556)
Move: Two spaces forward
SOCIAL MEDIA TRIGGER CARDS: When a player lands on Social Media Triggers, they must pull a card from the deck and scan the QR code. A social media post will open on their phone (i.e., a coworker with three children’s newest ultrasound, captioned: “Lucky #4 coming fall 2026!”). In reaction, players can choose to:
- Dissociate and comment “Congrats! 🐣❤️” (move ahead three spaces)
- Delete the app (move ahead one space)
- Walk into traffic (forfeit)
EVENTS: Each space on the board represents an Infertility EVENT that will send you forward or backward on your journey. The number and direction of spaces to move are indicated on the tile. For example:
END OF GAME: Good news! There is no “right way” to win Infertility. Some players may become parents quickly, while others may try and fail different paths repeatedly until they win or deplete their savings accounts. Still, others may play for a decade before they burn the game in a fire pit and decide to spend their remaining adult years as hot, traveling DINKS. Reminder: There is always beekeeping. Good luck!
