Secretary Of The Macabre Unveils Initiative To Fill Nation’s Empty Eye Sockets With Maggots

WASHINGTON—In remarks delivered to the White House press corps, the U.S. Secretary of the Macabre unveiled a new departmental initiative Friday that aims to fill the nation’s empty eye sockets with federally funded maggots. “Making use of $50 million allocated by Congress under the Befouling of Our Remains Act, the Department of the Macabre will ensure every decaying American skull has maggots, worms, and leeches bursting forth from its eyeholes,” said Secretary Damien Grey, pausing briefly to watch a spider climb across the lectern before snatching it with his long, bony fingers and dropping it into his mouth. “No longer will we stand idly by while the skeletal remnants of our countrymen lay un-festering right here on U.S. soil. Whether it’s a ravenous housefly skittering across a cloudy eyeball or a centipede whose rear half enters one nostril as its front half exits the other, this historic program will make it possible for all rotting American flesh to be feasted upon by hideous, writhing creatures.” At press time, Beltway insiders confirmed a thick stream of black sludge was flowing from the secretary’s open mouth.