Sober October Ends As Deer Realizes Apple He Just Ate Fermented

SPENCER, TN—Frustrated at breaking a three-week streak of alcohol abstinence, a white-tailed deer expressed annoyance Monday upon realizing he could not complete his goal of a Sober October because the apple he had just eaten was fermented. “Oh goddammit, I knew it smelled too good to be nonalcoholic,” said the visibly irritated 3-year-old buck, who observed that since committing himself to 31 days of dry living, he had been waking up with a clearer head, and his pelage was glossier than it had been for years. “Someone should really clear these out. They’re just lying around where any fawn could get to them. Well, the whole day’s a wash, so I might as well have a few more and see where the night goes.” At press time, the increasingly erratic deer was seen rutting with a friend, nuzzling with a 1-year-old doe, and then passing out in a leaf-covered glade.