Oof. Brace for a massive downer, because what you’re about to read features what may be the most depressing person on planet Earth: The hamburger this guy DoorDashed to his apartment has seen more of his city in one hour than he has in months.
God, what a bummer it is to know that a hamburger has explored more of your own city than you have.
If you’re visiting Chicago soon and looking for recommendations, you’re better off asking the Five Guys burger that Austin Breslin, 34, had delivered today than Austin himself, because that burger has spent more time traversing various Chicago neighborhoods than Austin has all year. While the burger was on its 40-minute bike journey from the restaurant’s West Loop location to Austin’s apartment in Uptown—passing through some of Chicago’s most bustling communities on an incredibly beautiful, sunny day—Austin was inside, sitting on his couch, mindlessly scrolling social media, which is what he’s mostly been doing since the burger’s beef was still part of a living, breathing cow.
It’s genuinely fair to say that Austin’s burger had a more enjoyable Chicago summer than he did. Austin has barely set foot outside his own neighborhood since spring, and here’s this hamburger, passing through multiple street festivals and block parties on its way to be consumed by one of the saddest men alive. It’s honestly so, so sad to see someone live less actively than a hamburger in one of America’s biggest cities. In less than one hour, a burger racked up more life experience out in the world than Austin probably ever will.
Someone needs to check in on this man. This situation is as bleak as it gets.
It seems like the only way Austin will ever leave the four block radius he’s confined his life to is if this burger gives him food poisoning so bad he gets taken to a hospital across the city. For his sake, let’s hope that happens, because to lead a less exciting existence than a hamburger, even for just 40 minutes, is no way to live. Ugh. Just so depressing.
