Four am in the Oval Office. Trump, glazed in sweat like a grotesque parody of both a shiny ham and the human physique. A ghostly apparition glides through the doors of the office, long chunks of rusty chain screeching alongside the creature as he coasts through the room. A quick flash of lightning reveals the sunken face of Jeffery Epstein.
Epstein: Trump…. TRUUUMMP… awake from your fevered slumber…
Trump: Eh? Who is…. ah, dammit, I did a number two in my bed again.
Epstein: TRUUUUMMP… I need to show you the error of your ways… your regretful actions manifest and made flesh, behold, you foul beast!! Is this really your bed?
Trump: Jeff, is that you buddy, you fucking scumbag?? “Foul beast”, though? A bit judgy, don’t you think? I mean, all things considered.
Epstein: Listen, just… cmon, please shut up for a moment…
Trump: And what’s the deal with the chains? What kind of sick shit are you into now? I can’t even imagine, you pervert!
Epstein: It’s a whole thing… I wear the weight of my sins with these chains… plus it’s supposed to help act as a warning alarm for preteen girls. Y’know, give them a head start at least.
Trump: You crazy bastard, that streak of compassion is going to be the death of you. Wait a minute, aren’t you already dead or something?
Epstein: YES!! Yes… for fuck’s sake…. I need to show you…
Trump: Right right right… okay bud, let’s do it.
Epstein: Jesus…. Finally, thank you!
Trump: So what’s this we’re looking at here?
Epstein: This is the time and place forever frozen in shame and horror by one of your most repugnant and detestable actions, an orgy at my exclusive island resort that…
Trump: Woo hooo!! How young are these chicks, Jeff? I mean even for you, this is pretty depraved.
Epstein: Yes, that’s the idea, don’t you get that? This is a memory of an event from years ago… don’t you…
Trump: Alright buddy, I’m going in, wish me luck! You still keep the rubbers in the same place?
Epstein: Shit.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
