If you’re sentimental like me, it’s easy to fall for gushy language about true love. But if you’ve also been to as many weddings as I have, you’ve likely grown cynical about some of the most effusive and overused lines dutifully recited during the exchange of vows.
So for those who would like to break the spell of romanticism and instead embrace the cynicism that modern weddings demand—while still being able to enjoy the cake and dancing—read on for the jaded wedding attendee’s translation guide for the most cliche marital vows.
“You’re my best friend”……. “I have no friends left because they all hate you.”
“You have stood by me through thick and thin.”……. “I cheated…a lot.”
“I can’t wait to see how we change over the course of our lives.”……. “I’m counting on you to become more like me ASAP.”
“I’m looking forward to new adventures together.”……. “Don’t forget that you promised that we’d explore my knife-play kink together.” Possible secondary meaning: “This whole marriage is contingent on you maintaining your platinum airline-mile status.”
“I can’t live without you.” ……. “I can’t live with the uncertainty of not being married.”
“I will take your side even when I know you’re wrong.” ……. “So be sure to Google stuff before opening your big mouth and making unsubstantiated claims.”
“Thank you for loving my fun, crazy, loud family, as much as I do.” ……. “As opposed to your family, with whom we will not be spending any time.”
“’Love’ starts with ‘like,’ which is why I’m so glad we started out as friends.” ……. “I’m sorry my divorce took so long to finalize, but I appreciate you giving me a soft landing. Once I get back on my feet, I’ll be out of your hair.”
“I look forward to experiencing the mystery of life with you.” ……. “This might be the large amounts of anti-anxiety meds coursing through my bloodstream right now, but I think we’re going to live forever.”
“I really got lucky and am marrying someone completely out of my league.”……. “I will be spending most of the next twenty years paranoid about you cheating on me.”
“I feel like we can now take on life’s challenges and pursue our dreams knowing we can catch each other if we fall” ……. “I might have forgotten to mention this, but I plan on quitting my job after the wedding to focus on my woodworking. I’m so glad you have a steady job!” Possible secondary meaning: “If you now back out of doing psychedelics with me, I will divorce you faster than you can say ‘flesh of gods.’”
“Our love is unique.” ……. “I’m deathly afraid of being ordinary, so I’m counting on you to transform my boring life into a constant highlight reel of happiness and meaning.”
“I love you completely and always knew you were the one.” ……. “I continue to have unshakable doubts, but my therapist told me to just fake it. Plus it’s fun to freak out all of our credulous unmarried friends.”
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David S. Mitchell is a Washington, DC-based professional who writes and performs stand-up on the side. He is not the prolific British novelist nor the British comedian of Peep Show fame. This David Mitchell’s writing has appeared in a never-before-grouped-together mix of publications, including Defenestration, The Hill, MSNBC.com, Robot Butt, Tax Notes, The Haven, and the New York Daily News.
