You don’t have to take off your shoes anymore, unless you want to. If you’ve realized that the pair you chose is terrible, you can still put them into a bin and slide them into the scanner, because it’s our job to stop bad decisions from making their way onto airplanes.
“We are confiscating these shoes,” we will announce loudly. “Not because their wearer has atrocious taste, but because they are dangerous.”
You can reclaim your shoes at the baggage carousel. Whether you should is between you and your God.
If you’re into crafts, be aware that knitting needles are fine now. Yes, that includes the long, thick ones that look like railroad spikes. We noticed that only “women of a certain age” really use those.
If an eighty-five-year-old woman wants to stab someone with a knitting needle, quite frankly, she’s earned it. Whoever gets it probably had it coming.
We understand that rubbing your hands together helps you process the fickle flame of your existence, but make sure your hand cream is beeswax-based. That discontinued “Luxury Lotion Pour Le Mans” your aunt got at T.J.Maxx is formulated with glycerin. If your hands are swabbed, you’ll be flagged for extra screening.
You’ll also be flagged if that lotion smells like patchouli. Again, it’s our job to stop bad decisions from making their way onto airplanes, and we’re beginning to question your judgment.
Please untie your coat from your waist and put it in the bin before you go through the line. It’s not that the detectors can’t scan it. It’s just that the extra layer on your lower body is unflattering.
Carrying live fish onto the plane is not only allowed but actively encouraged. Please share your fish’s name so that we can encourage it more personally.
If you are traveling with a CPAP machine for sleep apnea, we may make you put the mask on for us, but only to make sure it’s a functional device. It has nothing to do with the fact that we like making travelers do Darth Vader impressions.
If we ask you to say something about Luke and his parentage, that’s purely coincidental.
Plum jam, runny caramels, and delicious, creamy Brie are all considered gels. This was news to us as well.
If we change the rules on which and how much of these substances you can have at some point, it’s only because science is fun.
Generally, you don’t have to remove your laptop and turn it on anymore. And you absolutely do not need to do this in order to show us the novel you’re working on.
This rule also applies to musical instruments. We believe you when you say you do a mean Prince impression.
(No one actually believes this, but please don’t call our bluff with the first few lines of “Raspberry Beret.” We don’t think we love her. We definitely don’t love you.)
Baseball bats, badass ninja throwing stars, and slingshots are still strictly forbidden.
Lightsabers, however, are okay. This is because we like to throw in a freebie for anyone who reads this far, and also because they are imaginary.
But if you bring one, you’re definitely putting on the CPAP mask for us.
