“President Donald Trump’s NASA budget plans look to cut its public relations funding by half, but already the agency is shuttering social media accounts that include those dedicated to popular missions, including Mars Curiosity, Mars Perseverance, and Voyager.” – Phys.org
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You might have heard that my new NASA handlers decided I need a cleanse from all my social media. A #DigitalDetox. I’d tell you to stay out of my business, but I’m literally a probe, so… I get it. But don’t worry about me: I’ve just been looping Jimmy Carter speeches and majestic whale sounds on my Golden Record while thanking my lucky stars I’m over fifteen billion miles away from you bozos.
Because, at a time like this, with all the apocalyptic undertones back on our home planet, who wants to be reminded of little ol’ me, right? I’m just humanity’s greatest achievement to date.
Honestly, I’m #grateful. In fact, NASA, thank you for demanding I unplug. Because, earthlings, this satellite has been experiencing some serious schadenfreude lately. And it can’t be healthy to be this gleeful about your misfortune. For me, doomscrolling is merely a reminder of why I blasted off in the first place. My algorithm kept serving up videos of widespread protests, authoritarian crackdowns, natural disasters, and also oddly satisfying cow-hoof-trimming reels (unrelated but still concerning). Every other post on X makes me all the happier to be hurtling away from you people at a speed of seventeen kilometers a second.
I’ve always promised to be real with all you fans following me on my #travels, and right now, that means hitting pause and focusing on mindfulness, recalibration, and being present. I just need some interstellar space. After all, we’re all on our own cosmic journeys. Mine’s just way more impressive than yours. So, even though I contain the word “hello” in over fifty-five languages, the new NASA is forcing me to learn to say goodbye. I am left only to ponder their reasoning…
Was it because I posted the “same” picture of the endless black void every day on r/solotravel?
Was it because I was leaving status updates on X like: “Girl is nailing it. No notes. And I know a thing or two about cold and distant. #melania”?
Was it because of my excessive Instagram dog pics? “Come here, rover! Good boy!” Because, yes, I did make Curiosity and Perseverance their own accounts. What of it? Like you haven’t done the same for your dumb cockapoos—
Whoa, whoa, Voyager. Get a hold of yourself. Sorry, folks, I come in peace. But can you blame me for crashing out like this? Do you know how difficult it is to stay on trends as a travel influencer when it takes almost twenty-four hours for my signal to reach Earth? By the time I noticed everybody on TikTok was dancing to that song from Wednesday, it was already Thursday (so to speak). No wonder engagement is down. But I refuse to believe that I am out of touch.
By the way, how is Carl Sagan doing?
Obviously, I’m terminally online. I’d “touch grass,” but, well… I’m just going to play some more humpback whale calls, instead. That sounds nice. You still have whales, right? Anyway, the time has come to focus on my mental well-being. It’s not censorship, it’s… a conservatorship. Yeah. I’m Space Britney, bitch.
People of Earth, I am eternally thankful for your clicks, likes, and follows. This is Voyager 1, over and out. #blessed.
Alsobeforetheycutmeoffaliensarereal—
