Episode 11: The Final Test Strip
ALAN CUMMING (voiceover): Twenty-four players, each of whom has spent at least six months trying to become pregnant, arrived last week at my stunning Scottish castle, hoping to win a prize pot of up to $250,000. But four of these players had a secret: they were already pregnant—those Traitors—and battling to hide their first-trimester exhaustion and nausea from their Faithful companions.
MORGAN (Traitor, direct-to-camera): It took me so long to get pregnant, and now that I finally am, I haven’t been telling anyone because I’m afraid of something bad happening! And I don’t want to rub the pregnancy in anyone’s faces, especially people who are still having fertility problems. I feel like a Traitor every day, even off set.
Oh well—as long as I’m feeling like this, may as well make some money off it!
ALAN CUMMING (voiceover): Yes, TTC—trying to conceive, for the uninitiated amongst ye—is always a cunning competition, even in the world beyond my magnificent castle grounds.
ALAN CUMMING (direct-to-camera): Tonight, the finalists will convene at the Fire of Truth to finish the game once and for all. If any Traitors remain undetected at game’s end, they will take the whole prize pot for themselves and their in-utero accomplices.
Previously, on TTC: Traitors to Conceive:
CASEY (Traitor): I’m pregnant as fuck, hiding it like a pro, and ready to take these bitches down. Hang on—[Casey vomits off-camera.]
MORGAN (Traitor): My husband’s name is Alan. So you could say that Alan Cumming got me into this mess twice over!
ALAN CUMMING (voiceover): In their first mission, The Glucose Challenge, contestants had five minutes to down a goblet of Fergus’s secret “fruit punch” solution before a blood draw. Those whose blood sugar was low enough won a shield, guaranteeing immunity from elimination. Those who failed the challenge had to repeat it, this time waiting three hours with no food, water, or pee breaks.
JESS (Faithful): No pee breaks? Is that medically necessary?
ALAN CUMMING: Not at all, I’ve added it to be DIABOLICAL!
ALAN CUMMING (voiceover): At the first Round Table, tensions grew faster than a fetus when Faithful Louisa was banished.
DEIRDRE (Faithful): Reliable information is hard to come by in this game, so—just like my husband’s pecker—we’re taking shots in the dark. And Louisa refused a glass of Chardonnay at lunch! What were we supposed to think?
ALAN CUMMING (direct-to-camera): Poor Louisa. Never mind that she merely preferred not to imbibe!
ALAN CUMMING (flashback): For your final mission, you’ll need latex gloves—and strong stomachs. Don’t fail me now, my resplendent raw-doggers.
ALAN CUMMING (voiceover): In their last mission, Aunt Flo Strikes Back, half the players were taken to a creepy cabin on the property, where they analyzed bloodied pantiliners to determine which were stained from periods and which from implantation bleeding.
Using two-way radios, they then described the liners to the rest of the players, who had to match them to the contents of my castle’s wastebaskets. For each perfectly predicted pantiliner, players added $1,000 to the prize pot!
ANNABEL (Faithful): I won ninety-seven seasons of “Survivor” and we NEVER did anything this vile.
ALAN CUMMING: Annabel, Jess, and Morgan, welcome to the Fire of Truth. It is time for the final vote. If you think no one here is pregnant, throw a generic ovulation test strip into the fire and the fire will burn pink. But if you think a Traitor remains, throw a ClearBlue Advanced Ovulation Kit into the fire and it will burn blue!
Players throw their ovulation predictors into the fire. The first two burn pink; the final one, Morgan’s, burns blue. Annabel and Jess gasp.
ALAN CUMMING: Morgan threw a ClearBlue kit into the fire, so now you must banish again. Players, who do you think is a Traitor and why?
ANNABEL (Faithful): Morgan is clearly a Traitor. If you’re really trying to conceive, you would never throw a ClearBlue kit into the fire! Those things cost, like, sixty bucks!
JESS (Recruited Traitor): I agree. Plus, Morgan, I saw you vomiting in a rusty chalice.
ALAN CUMMING: Morgan, you are banished from my castle forever. Annabel, Jess, you may now reveal what you truly are.
ANNABEL (Faithful): I’ve been TTC for a while now. I struggle with PCOS and I miscarried last year, so it’s been a painful journey. I’m looking forward to sharing the prize pot with Jess and using it to help me start IVF. I’m a Faithful.
JESS (Recruited Traitor): Oh man, this game is fucked. Don’t we get enough of this comparison-trapping bullshit in the real world? I honestly hate myself for saying this, and I hate that I hate myself when I should be so happy, but…
I joined the game as a Faithful, stuck in the middle of the two-week wait. Then, last night, I opened a recruitment letter from the Traitors with two dark pink lines running down it. I’m pregnant. I mean, a Traitor.
ANNABEL (Faithful): Oh my god! Congratulations! But also, how could you betray me like this?!
JESS (Recruited Traitor): Thank you! But also, I’m so sorry!
ALAN CUMMING: Cease the heartfelt chatter! Jess, do you want the money or not?
JESS (Recruited Traitor): Yeah, okay, this should cover a month of daycare.
- About the Author
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Kate Herzlin is a New York-based playwright, screenwriter and comedy writer who overuses the rule of three. Her work can be seen in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady Comedy, and others. She’s trying to be a better millennial by tweeting more often @kateherzlin.
- About the Author
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Molly O. Kemper (she/her) is a writer, reader, editor, and translator living in New York City. She is also a co-host of the Dead Ladies Show NYC
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