Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President

WASHINGTON—Calling him “the best man for the job,” President Donald Trump reportedly asked JD Vance Thursday to research whether the president was allowed to kill the vice president. “I mean, Article II says he’s legally my property, right?” said Trump, who stated that the task was “absolutely critical” as he put both his hands on Vance’s shoulders and looked him squarely in the eye. “See if there’s anything in the Constitution about squeezing and squeezing until the light leaves his eyes. Should be fine if it’s an official act. Russell Vought says I can do it, but I just want to be sure. Though to be honest, I’m probably going to do it whether it’s legal or not.” At press time, sources reported that Vance was asking Trump if he would please let go of his neck.