Trump To Vance: ‘I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s’ 

WASHINGTON—Taking the vice president aside to discuss the administration’s response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed JD Vance on Monday to say that he had stolen Trump’s face in the 1990s. “Here’s the plan: If you just come out and say that, in 1992, you made a hyperrealistic silicone mask of my face and wore it to a bunch of sex parties hosted by the New York elite, it would really help me out,” said Trump, who put his arm around Vance’s shoulders and promised that doing this one small favor for him now would pay off “big time” in the future. “Look, I’m going to need you to just do this for me, all right? It’s simple, JD. If anyone asks, just casually drop that from the early ’90s until, honestly, let’s just say, to be safe, 2019, you walked around in a perfect replica of my likeness. But this part is important. You gotta make sure to stress that all of the real estate deals and TV appearances I did were the real me. It’s only all the times I was caught hanging out with Jeffrey Epstein that were actually you wearing a mask of my face. Got it? Fantastic. I totally owe you one, buddy.” White House sources later confirmed plans to release a statement claiming the vice president composed all of Trump’s written correspondence to Jeffrey Epstein using a bionic glove to perfectly mimic the president’s handwriting.