Our Vision
Redecorating the White House is a sacred task. My all-star crew of designers includes London Tipton, the ghost of Elvis Presley, a prom queen named Kaighleigh, Mr. Monopoly, a handful of Real Housewives, and Queen Elizabeth’s two surviving corgis.
All aesthetic additions to the White House must honor America’s ideals, reflect America’s potential, and showcase America’s creativity. Or just be shiny.
Our guiding values are elegance and sophistication. That’s why we filled our Pinterest board with images of Scrooge McDuck’s money bin, cruise ship jewelry stores, the Cheesecake Factory, rejected Baz Luhrmann sets, and the defunct mobile app “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.”
The Oval Office
Here we asked: “What if Liberace and Marie Antoinette had a baby? And what if that baby projectile-vomited all over the room?”
Empty space was our enemy. The clearance aisle at HomeGoods was our answer.
Our concept for the walls was “aftermath of a King Midas orgy.” Our inspiration for the fireplace mantel was “gift table at the nuptials of a historically insignificant Habsburg.” And our direction for the doors was “whatever gold crap we have left.”
The Rose Garden
Here we asked: “Remember that Full House episode where a cement truck flooded the kitchen? What if it flooded a cherished American landmark instead?”
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis remains a revered style icon. We worked tirelessly to make choices that she would find appalling.
Nature evokes hope, calm, and renewal. We paved over it as quickly as we could.
Our approach for the patio was “food court at an outdoor mall.” Our idea for the tables was “sweet finds at a yard sale.” And our theme for the umbrellas was “why the hell not?”
The Ballroom
Here we asked: “What if we dumped $200 million into a vanity project?”
We are doing our homework for this 90,000-square-foot expansion. As we speak, my trusty stylists are studying every venue from the erstwhile TLC reality show Four Weddings.
This space’s ambiance is to be determined. Current frontrunners are “Caesars Palace,” “Little Caesars,” “A TikTok influencer’s sweet sixteen,” “The new LaGuardia Terminal B,” “The old LaGuardia Terminal B,” “Medieval Times,” and “The Warbucks’ Mansion backdrop in a high school production of Annie.”
Looking Ahead
My diligent staff is not done yet. Kaighleigh is furnishing the Situation Game Room. The corgis are fine-tuning the Lincoln Sauna. And Satan is generously re-lending us his red Christmas trees for permanent installation in the East Colonnade.
Our efforts need not stop at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Ms. Tipton will bedazzle the Washington Monument. Mr. Monopoly will gild the Gateway Arch. And the Space Needle has to go—it freaks out RFK Jr.
Like America itself, the White House is unfinished and ever-changing. We recognize that future administrations may undo our work. Well, the joke’s on them. We slapped Command strips all over the Oval Office. Have fun ripping out wall chunks.
