Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now

SALT LAKE CITY—Alarmed by numerous reports that the vice president was currently en route to the state, sources confirmed Thursday that a visit from JD Vance was the last thing Utah needed right now. “We’re already going through a lot, but to add JD Vance on top of everything else?” said one Utah resident, who pleaded for anyone with contacts in the vice president’s office to put a stop to his trip immediately. “Ugh, the last few days have been really hard. And suddenly we’ve got JD Vance coming to Utah. Now whose idea was that? It’s been utter chaos here, and now they just want to rub salt in the wound.” At press time, Arizona had reportedly volunteered to pretend to be Utah.