“President Trump’s declaration on Saturday that he had authorized the use of federal forces to ‘protect war-ravaged’ Portland, Ore., prompted bewilderment and frustration—and more than a little sarcasm—in the city this weekend.”
— New York Times
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Help reshelve the books with pics of naked women in them that middle school boys have left strewn around Powell’s.
Put a stop to the ungodly ice-cream flavor combinations at Salt and Straw.
Institute a ban on wimps who use umbrellas.
Censor the outrageous cost for one, single penis-shaped Voodoo Doughnut.
Aggressive DOGE-style 20 percent reduction in the number of mediocre craft breweries.
Stop the radical liberal reeducation campaign to erase Oregon’s colonial history by allowing employees statewide to play The Oregon Trail during office hours.
Resurrect Shari’s Café and Pies, a tragic victim of cancel culture (not paying taxes).
Return the city’s historical monuments to their former, pre-woke glory (slap a new coat of paint on the Hawthorne Bridge).
Make Portland music legends Modest Mouse and The Decemberists form a supergroup.
Tend to victims’ war wounds (genital chafing) sustained during the annual Naked Bike Ride.
Police coffee shops that up-charge two dollars for alternative milk and then make your latte too weak and ruin the Stumptown beans they claim to use.
Have the NSA dig up some dirt on Damian Lillard to blackmail him into never leaving the Blazers again.
Mandate a new season of Portlandia and give the show the same budget as the Department of War.
Empower citizens to take the law into their own hands when they see someone throw a compostable plate into a landfill bin.
Instruct all HMOs to completely cover the costs of treating infected tattoos.
Eradicate the parasites living in Tryon Creek Park (ticks).
Subdue the real domestic terrorists—i.e., drivers who don’t know how to merge onto I-5.
Remove the scourge of unwanted immigrants flooding into Portland (crypto bros from California).
With full force, keep Portland weird.
