Wedding Vows A Damning Chronicle Of How Much Bride Changed Herself For Groom

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Raising their eyebrows at the bride’s assertion that she was “adventurous,” wedding guests of Tatiana Hines and Felix Byrne confirmed Friday that the couple’s vows were a damning chronicle of how much she had changed herself for him. “She keeps thanking God for bringing him into her life, but wasn’t she a staunch atheist, like, two and a half years ago?” said guest Madelyn Gonzalez, frowning as Hines, who had once stated that if she ever got married she would have a budget-friendly ceremony at city hall, stood in a $7,000 dress at the altar before nearly 500 people who were primarily friends, family members, coworkers, and acquaintances of the groom. “When I first met her, she didn’t watch any sports. Now she’s saying the favorite part of her weekend is watching the Ravens game with him after CrossFit? Huh. At least he didn’t have to change a single thing for her.” At press time, the former militant vegan was reportedly opening her mouth wide so her new husband could feed her a piece of buttercream-frosted cake.