You’ve been down in the dumps since your girlfriend left you, but the good news is that a major win is headed your way: It turns out your ex’s new 6’5” boyfriend can’t dunk a basketball, and neither can you, but it’s more likely he’d be able to, therefore more embarrassing for him!
BOOM SHAKALAKA! How does he like them apples?!
According to a series of Instagram stories she posted, it looks like earlier today your ex-girlfriend was at a basketball court with the tall, handsome loser she’s been dating since you guys broke up. In one particularly damning video, captioned “This goof [cry laughing emoji] [cry laughing emoji],” your ex tosses her boyfriend the ball and says, “Dunk!” with a flirtatious laugh before that 6’5″ scrub ignores her request and instead opts for a layup that he totally biffs while she giggles in the background.
MAJOR FACEPALM. Does he realize how much he has to suck to be that tall and not be able to dunk?
Of course, it’s not like you’re amazing at basketball yourself, but no one expects you to be because you’re 5’9” (which is the average male height, nothing wrong with it at all). Never once during the five months you spent with your ex four years ago did she throw you a basketball and tell you to dunk. That’s what’s so painful about the video she just posted—it’s quite clear she’s only with her boyfriend because she thought he could dunk, but now it’s been revealed that not only is he untalented, but also someone with tragically squandered potential.
“This goof?” More like “this sorry excuse for a man.”
Your poor, poor ex-girlfriend. She must be so devastated! And likely thinking of how much better it was to date you—someone who would never let her down by seeming like they have more abilities than they actually do. You seem like you’re great at Wii Bowling, and you are. Be sure to take your phone off do not disturb, and tidy up your pubic hair situation just in case, because she’s almost definitely going to call you later today.
