Due to the overwhelming number of anticipated brawls this Thanksgiving, we decided to streamline your day with an Official Family Thanksgiving Fight Schedule. This is a double-elimination tournament that will abide by UFC rules.
MOM vs. GRANDMA
1:00 p.m. / Living Room
This first fight will center around generational trauma and fruit salad. It will set the tone for the rest of the event.
TURKEY vs. CHEF
All Day / Kitchen
Though the turkey suffered a deadly beating last week in TURKEY vs. BUTCHER, it still has some fight left in it. This deceased bird will do everything in its power to ruin the chef’s credibility and sanity.
SIBLING vs. SIBLING
2:45 p.m. / Upstairs
This dispute will start about the rightful owner of the shirt currently on your body and that thing you said two months ago at Mimi’s memorial service. It will end with psychological warfare.
OPEN ENTRY
3:15 p.m. / Kitchen
A kitchen-based round that can accommodate anywhere from four to nine challengers. This is an open-entry fight that will mostly center around oven space. It will get heated. Gloves or potholders are required.
YOUR BROTHER’S NEW GIRLFRIEND vs. GRANDPA
5:00 p.m. / Couch
Though these two could have found some common ground with their mutual interest in CBD oils, they will choose to talk politics instead. Only one player will make it through the night.
MOM vs. DAD
Asynchronous / Entire House
Following last year’s blow-up, this is the most highly anticipated match-up of the season. Rebuttal preparations have been underway for the past year. Since these two cannot be in the same room, this brawl will mostly take place via text and the mediator’s legal documents.
NOTE: Players who have lost in the main bracket will be sent to the loser’s bracket to continue competing throughout the evening.
LOSERS’ BRACKET: ALL vs. UNCLE
7:15 p.m. / Dinner Table
In the losers’ bracket, we have all the losers against Uncle Steve. He’s willing to fight anyone on any issue. There will not be a referee.
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Everything else is fair game.
