CALGARY – Local scroller Kyle Townsend has been forced to watch a brief commercial for paper towels, completely ruining his hour spent flitting aimlessly between Instagram, X/Twitter, Facebook, and TikTok.
“Ugh, great, another ad,” Townsend mumbled, as he moved something other than his thumb for the first time in 60 minutes. “It’s like I can’t even watch people test combinations of Doritos dipped in Mountain Dew without having consumerism forced down my throat.”
As Townsend entered his second hour of aimlessly scrolling instead of vacuuming, doing the dishes, or tackling his ever-growing pile of laundry, he decried the blatant commercialism of platforms he’d voluntarily given so much personal data to that Stasi agents would’ve shit themselves in jealousy.
“It’s like I can’t even look at a meme of a cat eating treats that says ‘me when there are treats’ that’s been posted by an account called Epic Memes for Feline Loving Albanians instead of helping my wife in the yard anymore without someone trying to butt in and sell me something,” Townsend said. “It’s a pretty sad state of affairs.”
Townsend then spent 17 minutes watching baby monkeys kick soccer balls around while ignoring his children’s requests to play.
“You stupid monkey, you’re not supposed to pick up the ball,” Townsend said. “Now you’re going to get in trouble.”
While Townsend acknowledged that social media has always been commercial, he’s found that he can now barely spend three and a half hours a day watching people make lunch or apply skincare products without feeling like he’s being sold something.
“Lately I can’t even trust that scantily-clad Instagram models don’t have an ulterior motive,” Townsend said. “Can I really believe them when they say Swiffer makes the best mops for cleaning while still in your Victoria’s Secret lingerie, or is there some sort of scam going on here?”
At press time, Townsend was beginning a 13 hour YouTube video called “How to seize the day and make the most of your life” while lamenting that he didn’t have nearly enough time to get all his work done.
