1. Pearl Jam1
2. Old Lady Curtains2
3. Blind Melon3
4. Alice in Chains4
5. Judge Judy in a Bathrobe5
6. Garbage6
7. Smashing Pumpkins7
8. Toad the Wet Sprocket8
9. Angry Rainbow9
10. Yeah Yeah Yeahs10
11. Nine Inch Nails11
12. Pledge Drive Tote Bag12
13. Red Hot Chili Peppers13
14. Green Day14
15. No Doubt15
16. Nirvana16
1 Band.
2 My tween, referring to a yellow floral skirt I was wearing. We had already left the house.
3 Band. But my tween did ask if I “forgot to turn the light on in my closet” when I came downstairs in a cantaloupe-colored sheath dress, so, you know. Could go either way.
4 Band.
5 My tween, commenting on an upcycled dress made from an old kimono that got no fewer than eighteen compliments later in the day. But none of them had this degree of skewering precision, so guess which comment stayed in my head?
6 Band. My tween is brutal, not mean. Think more Miranda Priestly and less Regina George.
7 Both, although technically this was a comment on my perfume and not my outfit. Apparently, my attempt to smell like a pumpkin spice latte overshot and landed in Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.
8 Band, but come on, if this isn’t already a brainrot character, you know it’s only a matter of time.
9 Tween. I thought I could pull off a striped bateau-neck French-style sweater. Evidently, I was wrong.
10 Band, but also what my tween said when I told her I didn’t have time to change out of the Judge Judy Bathrobe and still make the school drop-off line.
11 Band, but after the “Old Lady Curtains” comment, it was also how I described my tween’s glue-on manicure. I keep finding pink plastic half-moons in everything from the bathroom to the breakfast cereal. I’m not proud that I retaliated, but sometimes taking the high road seems too formidable at 6:30 am.
12 Tween. And I can’t lie about being a little proud of raising a child who says, “It’s giving pledge drive tote bag” about my NPR hoodie. She knows her listener-supported radio.
13 Band. I once made the mistake of confessing that an outfit made me feel hot, and my tween shrieked as if I’d poked her with a red-hot poker made out of cringe.
14 Both. I thought I was wearing a cute pair of capris with a peplum top. She said I looked like I was dressed for “Learn Your Colors Day” at a preschool.
15 Both-ish? Band, but also what my tween said when I asked if I should just give her my clothing budget to get her voice out of my head. She used it to buy me an assortment of pleated short skorts and open-back tops. My business casual workplace may have some concerns, but my tween assures me that dress codes are cheugy, so I should be fine.
16 Band. Also, an unreachable state of bliss, attainable only by making it out the door in the morning without a future Vogue writer dropping an offhand “What? I’m just saying” after savaging my clothes.
