24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon Attended With Other Failures

MILWAUKEE—Expressing enthusiasm about the programming and atmosphere at the Avalon Theater’s all-night screening, local man Dan Wittman reportedly attended a 24-hour Scare-O-Rama horror marathon this week alongside dozens of other failures. “It’s cool that they don’t just focus on the old stuff—there’s a nice mix of ’80s and ’90s cult classics and even some international movies like [Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s] Pulse,” said the 37-year-old disappointment, who remarked upon the sense of camaraderie he felt sitting in a darkened room with other complete social rejects who had accomplished nothing with their lives. “Obviously, it’s not for everyone. But you can tell the people who stick it out are true aficionados [without loved ones who would worry about them or even notice if they disappeared for a day and squandered hour after hour watching slasher flicks and classic giallo cinema]. I’m definitely coming back next year.” At press time, sources confirmed Wittman had purchased a T-shirt commemorating the time he had thrown away in the company of equally unaccomplished duds.