8th Grader’s Voice Drops 6 Octaves Over Summer

DEDHAM, MA—Remarking that the adolescent had undergone some pronounced developmental changes during the course of his vacation, middle school sources reported Tuesday that eighth grader Ryan Alcorn’s voice had dropped six octaves over the summer. According to eyewitnesses present in Mrs. Jeterson’s homeroom, Alcorn opened his mouth during classroom introductions to reveal that the high-pitched voice he had possessed just the previous spring had been replaced by a deep, basso profundo rumble that caused students’ desks to vibrate several inches across the floor as he spoke. The boy is said to have briefly summarized the events of his summer for his peers in a low-frequency register typically only encountered in blue whale vocalizations, with several cracks reportedly forming in the room’s painted cinder-block walls during an extended “uh” as he attempted to recall the name of a beach he had visited. Sources later confirmed the entire class had begun bleeding from the ears after Alcorn leaned back in his seat and let out a sonorous yawn.