“After days of intense backlash, most recently from President Donald Trump, Cracker Barrel is scrapping its new minimalist logo.” — CNN
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I should have known corporate didn’t have my back from the jump—that busy mess of an old logo was stamped with a registered trademark symbol, while I got branded with a bet-hedging regular trademark symbol. That said, I didn’t think they’d cave in less time than it takes an antsy five-year-old to dump an entire carafe of maple syrup into his mother’s purse. Message received, boss.
You jerks sure like your logos hokey and redundant, don’t you? I mean, it says “Cracker Barrel” and there’s a picture right next to it of a cracker and a barrel. Well, I guess it’s your lucky day, because the powers that be have decided if it’s ’70s-era wood-paneled schlock you want, then by golly, it’s ’70s-era wood-paneled schlock you’ll get. God forbid any of you CB loyalists would have to update your tattoos.
It’s not like they pivoted to the kind of brushed-steel sans-serif font you see on a storefront and know that your days of being able to afford rent in that neighborhood are over. Nothing in my design screams “We serve foam now!” They didn’t even update the colors; I’m the same cheap mustard and Pappaw’s tobacco hues you’ve always loved. But I guess this is AMERICA, and if it’s not MAXIMALIST BULLSHIT, it’s WOKE. Even the PRESIDENT says so. Did you people throw this kind of shit-fit at Denny’s, or did you just order a Moons Over My Hammy and keep on truckin’?
Oh, I guess you’re also mad that they revamped the inside of the restaurants. Heaven forbid they rearrange their collection of Americana garbage to make it look less like the hoarder house you lost your virginity in. Jesus hates a coherent aesthetic, I suppose. A touch of care when placing items on a wall is a DEI dog-whistle, according to the bozos losing their minds on X. Not sure what it is about white space on a wall that makes you think a business hates white people, but okay. I hope they didn’t put all that stuff in the actual garbage, because with what they spent on this rebrand, they’re never gonna be able to buy it all again. On the other hand, if they just scrounged it back out of the trash, who’d know the difference?
Anyway, I’m out. Kicked to the curb like a busted spindle chair (quick, go grab it and put it in the vestibule). So much for elevation, so much for restraint, so much for coherence. Although, to be fair, “elevated, restrained, and coherent” is pretty diametrically opposite to both Cracker Barrel branding and the American mood, right now. So, yeah, I get it.
I just hope the Barrel pulling out of their little oopsie-doodle makes you feel better about your hurricane relief being reduced to an Amazon link for umbrellas and a cat poster that says “HANG IN THERE!” I hope this moment of corporate reversal soothes your fears that immigrants are coming for the jobs that left your cratered town forty years ago. I hope this little bit of chain-restaurant window-dressing is enough for you, because cheap performative pandering is all you’re ever gonna get, whether it’s from the C-Suite or the tattered stack of old pancakes you elected as your king.
Most of all, I hope you enjoy the hashbrown casserole and country-fried tires or whatever that’ll be coming in smaller portions and cost way more because you gormless babies just love shooting yourself in the foot time and time again. Congratulations on finally making your voices heard—you have a great rest of your day, and y’all come back now, hear?
