MONTREAL – Your gay friend has officially announced that he is ready to celebrate Halloween, despite the non-civic holiday being 45 days away.
Jamie Mathers, 29, made the proclamation on his Instagram story this week by way of an “it’s always Halloween in this house” meme. He followed his post with seventy-three more in a similar vein, all on the same day.
“It’s officially SPOOKY SEASON!” declared Mathers, whose wardrobe consists of either all black or loud statement pieces and absolutely no in-between. “AKA Gay Christmas!” Followers confirm that Mathers is also a strict observer of Gay New Year’s, Gay Easter, and Gay Independent Bookstore Day.
Though Halloween itself is still some time away, Mathers has begun preparing for the festivities in a variety of ways, including saying “sweata weatha” every time he steps outside, ghosting the guy he was seeing, and shifting his regular store brand depression into seasonal depression.
Asked what he would be wearing to the event of the season – his neighbours’ house party with off-brand candy and boxed wine – Mathers spoke with the reverence and fervor of a celebrity at the Met Gala. “I’ll be wearing a realistic hand-stitched replica of the title character from Tim Burton’s 1990 cinematic masterpiece Edward Scissorhands, with individual functioning scissor blades on each finger. The story behind it is that growing up I was a very sad child who liked very sad things.”
“Of course, that’s been the plan for months, but then I saw Weapons and Aunt Gladys really threw a wrench in things. Then I realized: I can wear Edward at night, and dress up as Aunt Gladys at my day job where I type things into Excel.”
“Scissorhands in the streets, Aunt Gladys in the sheets, if you will,” Mathers added.
Some of Mathers’ previous costumes include a raincoat adorned with pictures from an old Tom of Finland calendar (“It’s Raining Men”), head-to-toe fire makeup and a white sequinned suit (“Disco Inferno” ), and an orange condiment jar in drag (“Lady Marmalade”).
“It’s not like Halloween is his only personality trait,” assures friend Elena Carlos. “He also enjoys iced coffee, podcasts, and yearning.”
Since he is already prepared for Halloween, Mathers has reportedly begun working on his outfit for next Pride, for which he will be dressing up as the Babadook.
